Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, be it with a family member, friend, or romantic partner. It's a natural part of being an imperfect person spending time with another imperfect person; an offhand comment sticks in your head, a joke is taken the wrong way, or you just fumble your words and your meaning comes across totally wrong. We can hurt people who are really close to us, and they can do the same. However, it isn't the conflict that defines the relationship, but how we handle it.

I've never liked addressing the issues I have with a close friend, and could usually convince myself those feelings of mine weren't that big a deal and weren't worth discussing. Call that avoiding the problem, succumbing to the fear of being vulnerable, or even toxic masculinity rearing its ugly head, but it always seemed to work fine for me. Until it stopped 'working'. After years of doing this, I was filled to the brim with crushing anxiety. Realizing that I was suppressing my feelings rather than truly dealing with them, I made it my goal to sort through and understand those emotions.

During my introspection, I asked myself why I had chosen to stuff my feelings down rather than address them. The answer was simple: I was afraid. I was afraid that conflict with my friends would put a strain on our relationship, that even mentioning my feelings would lead to our relationship ending. Since I place so much emphasis on my relationships, taking that risk never seemed worthwhile to me.

This mindset was really toxic, and also blatantly false; I'm super lucky to have awesome friends that I know really care about me, but I needed to sort through my feelings and anxieties before I realized that. Additionally, this viewpoint on relationships put no trust in any of my friends. Since mutual trust is the foundation of any awesome relationship, this mindset was preventing me from developing into someone capable of having such a relationship. Something had to be done. To find a healthy viewpoint on relationships, I had to confront, understand, and neutralize the anxieties at the heart of these beliefs.

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I focused on conflict. The word had a personal negative connotation, always resulting in a winner and a loser. However, this isn't true in personal relationships. Conflict has to involve disagreement, but it doesn't have to divide you and the other person. Too often we tend to give others an unsolicited responsibility for our emotions and blame them when the bad feelings hit. This is how conflict can be ruinous since we are at our weakest when we fight and see the other person as an opponent.

In my opinion, the best way to handle conflict is by approaching it like a group project: you found a flaw in your work, and you need to let the other person know so you can work together to fix it. Together you can work through the problems successfully and gain a better understanding of one another that further deepens your connection. Personally, some of the times I've felt closest to my friends is right after we sorted through a problem together. The mindset of "us vs. this problem" has been so much healthier and constructive than the traditional "me vs. you" that feels far too common.

Furthermore, you can tell whether that other person is a positive part of your life when you take a more constructive approach to conflict. If they brush off your feelings as unimportant or don't make an effort to resolve the issue, then the unfortunate truth is this other person is a negative influence.

After my growth, I realized I wasn't terrified of conflict anymore. Instead of being afraid it would end a relationship, I saw it as a way of expressing to someone that I cared so much that I'd want to go through the difficulties of a conflict rather than see our relationship struggle. I also grew confident in the validity of my feelings, knowing that if someone disregarded that attempt to improve our relationship, that they weren't supposed to be in my life anymore.

Now, I'm not saying I run around squabbling with all my friends all the time; conflict is still a big deal to me. However, I'm not afraid of it like I used to be, and I'm definitely not going to avoid it at all costs anymore. It was a long, hard road to get there, but this is a much healthier way to handle the issues than before, and I hope sharing it with you helps in your own life in some way.

To summarize my thoughts: if it's worth discussing to you, it should be worth discussing to them, and you'll end up the better for having said something.

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