Some might say that I was destined to be an athlete: my father was a natural at just about every activity he picked up.

Lacrosse captain, soccer captain, frisbee captain: he was a boarding school legend in my mind, and I was too supposed to be just that.

I guess you can’t really call it destiny if it didn’t happen because things happen the way they are supposed to happen…but I’d like to think that I missed something, something went wrong, I’m supposed to be going D1, what happened?

I played a sport every season, all through high school, but that isn’t where it began.

My journey, or should I say struggle, through athletics started with swimming. When I was about seven-years-old, I began competitive swimming for my community lake; I wasn’t amazing, but I got the job done. My coach spent a lot of time trying to teach me certain strokes; when things stuck, they stuck like crazy glue, but when I didn’t grasp something, it went over my head and never came back.

Then came recreational soccer, or Rec, as we called it. It was pretty hard to tell if the coach played me because I was decent at soccer, because he had to play everyone at that age, or because he genuinely felt bad for me. I could kick a ball, sure, but I was no Christiano Rinaldo. I played Rec soccer for years until I was too old to play for the city. Whilst everyone moved on to travel teams, I moved on to playing in my backyard, alone, because I didn’t believe I was good enough to play on an actual team. And nobody was there convincing me otherwise.

When I reached middle school, I began lacrosse. I couldn’t even cradle, and at the end of my eighth-grade season, I finally caught a ball; my whole team, including my coach, cheered. It was the most amazing thing ever--me, finally catching a ball. Something they never thought would happen, I guess. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but I was destined to make JV by spring of freshman year.

I did it, somehow.

With the help of my wonderful coach, Coach Leone. I couldn’t have done it without him, and may he rest in peace. He was the greatest and most influential coach that I’ve had, and he took me in and didn’t let me quit. It’s hard when you are playing a sport that you just learned with girls who have been playing before they could even walk.

By my junior year of high school, I wasn’t terrible at lacrosse! I was playing winter lacrosse with an elite varsity team from CT, and I could actually catch the ball and run plays. As a junior, I was prime meat for recruiters, and I actually got some action, believe it or not. But I still wasn’t good enough and the colleges were all D3.

I was really hard on myself, and my school didn’t have a varsity team so I had to do extra work on the side to make up for it. I was discouraged, but I still went on visits to colleges for lacrosse, I still went to clinics, even did some overnights. I watched the other girls play, and realized that would never be me, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I wanted it. Some girls just did it with such ease.

My other sports include volleyball in the fall, basketball in the winter, softball in the spring, and lacrosse in the summer, since junior year.

I’m not amazing at any sport, and I rarely start. I always feel like my coach is putting me in just because he feels bad for me. I’ve felt this in every single sport. When I think I’m finally getting good, I am quickly humbled by being put up to bat 9th.

I decided against exploring any D3 offers that I had for lacrosse. I was tired of being the girl who was just good enough to make the team but was constantly trying to live up to an impossible standard. I will hopefully play club sports in college, but this whole journey has taught me so much.

I’m not a natural athlete like my father; it doesn’t come easy to me. My brother is an influential musician and has been his whole life. My mother is a healer. My sister is a great artist. I’m not great at anything, and definitely not sports. I loved playing sports in high school, but I was never captain and I was never known as one of the best on the teams. I always wanted to be, but some people aren’t cut out for it. I will find what I’m good at, and what I love, and I will kick ass and excel in exactly that.