My whole life, all I wanted was to leave my hometown. I wanted to move to some big city, and never look back. I thought there was nothing here for me, why would I ever stay? I had planned to go to college some place far away, some place where no one knew me, and I could start over...... but that never happened.

When deciding where to go to college, I decided to opt somewhere close to home, where I could live at home. I kept telling myself that I was gonna transfer after my first couple years, but that never happened. I became comfortable with my surroundings and a routine started. I kept telling myself I will travel someday... I will travel someday.... but it was always School, work, cheer and dance.

Then last year it was work and school, and now it's work work work for the summer. Everyday I do the same thing and to be honest, I'm getting tired of it. Each week that goes by, I feel more stuck than ever. I feel like there is so much to see in the world, but I can't bring myself to go out and explore and it's because...... I'm scared.

I am literally scared of everything. I'm scared of planes, I'm scared of getting in a car crash if I travel long distance, I'm scared of getting in a bad situation in a place I'm not used to; you name it and I'm scared of it. I have such bad anxiety in general, but adding travel to it, makes me beyond paranoid. And it's really hard because I want to travel so badly, so badly.....

I think there are so many beautiful things in the world and I just want to see it all. I never used to be like this either. I've been to New York, (which I realized I could NEVER live in a big city) I've been to Florida and Hawaii, etc... but that was when I was younger and with family and I felt safe. As I got older and more comfortable in my surroundings, the thought of travel has terrified me. I even have bought concert tickets to different states for the last two summers, and have sold them because of how bad my anxiety gets to the thought of being anywhere but home.

I love where I come from. Duluth is a beautiful city, and although I wanted to move somewhere else when I was younger; I know I will probably settle down here someday. But, I still want to see the world and experience new things.

This past year my friends and I took a trip to Colorado. Although I had a panic attack everyday leading up to it; I did it and I loved it. It was exhilarating and I wish I could do it again. But, being there was hard, as much as I loved it; I paced back and forth in my room, I called my parents multiple times, and of course had an attack. It was really hard because I couldn't go to my favorite place that calms me down, and I couldn't call anyone to help me. It was so hard and I cry as I write this because I remember the feelings I had when I was there, and how badly it hurt. I remember wishing I wished I didn't suffer from it, how I wanted to be normal, etc... Why can't I travel like a normal human being and enjoy my trip?

Living with extreme anxiety and having a heart that wants to travel the world is hard. I hide a lot, and I don't know if my friends or even my family know how much I struggle with it. I have tattoo that says fearless, but I feel like a fraud because I haven't done anything fearless because of my anxiety. It's getting to a point where I don't know what to do. I want to see the world, but my anxiety has me so comfortable in my routine, I can't break out of it. All I can do is pray and hope that someday I will learn to handle this mental illness that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Until then, I'll just be a girl dreaming of what could be as I do the dishes at work.