Confessions of an Introvert

To be honest, I hate being labeled or identifying myself as an Introvert. It's not that I don't mind the label, or have a problem owning my shyer, more laid back lifestyle who thinks too much for my own good, but I feel that I am more of an introvert that it's because I was born that way, and less that I actually choose to be an introvert. Because as much as I have some discomfort in attending large social gatherings, feeling my stomach churn and get sick whenever I have to engage in small talk, I badly crave the life of an extrovert because I simply hate to be alone.

I crave the life of an extrovert where it's way easier to find connections and relationships, and showing people that even though I may come off as quiet, I am a great listener, and communicator that I wish I had more confidence in showing. But, as introverts we are constantly creating, dreaming, and connecting things in our heads, so when it's time to try and express our creating thinking to others in small talk that can give us social anxiety, and we're aware of our inability to do small talk well. I know I suck at it, so I just do the more comfortable thing to avoid that anxiety. My own lack of social engagements as caused me to be labelled as 'quiet', when I'm really not a quiet at all, and not a lot of people see that. Upon meeting me, I'm really reserved, I talk but very minimally, I would rather listen to someone than talk about myself, I find other's life goals, stories, and dreams more interesting then talking about myself. But if you got to know me, I become very talkative, maybe a little bit loud, the an overall comfortable person to be around, but for some reason I can't find it comforting to reach out to strangers, and be in an overwhelming environment as well.

Because of the way I am I feel I sometimes lack the ability to make friends because of my introverted nature, and that is why I want to change that. Now, I am more motivated and encouraged to challenge myself to incorporate more of a extrovert lifestyle, but not losing my love for small spaces, and small groups of people in meaningful conversations. I want to be able to be myself, I want to be able to feel comfortable around people, and new people without the anxiety and struggle of trying to "break out of my shell".

Unfortunately, I am struggling to because I care too much about what others think, and hate to have all eyes on me in certain situations, it feels like I am drowning in my own words, but I am trying, and will keep trying. As much as it comes off the opposite, I do really love people, and spending them with them in environments unfamiliar to me. I love to have some qualities of an extrovert so I am able to find the balance of being able to enjoy my times inside away from people, but feel more confident in myself to put myself in situations with new people, and hopefully make new connections and become less socially awkward,