According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), major depressive disorder, or depression, "is one of the most common mental disorders in the United States." According to their surveys, this destructive disease plagues 6.7 percent of all United States adults.
Most likely, you have or will know someone who suffers some of its symptoms, including: depressed mood, insomnia, fatigue, or decreased clarity of thought. The hardest part about depression is that it is self-perpetuating; the symptoms cause a downward spiral which seems inescapable. On top of that, it is easy to feel misunderstood as a depressed person; not being understood reinforces the sense of isolation, because you have no one with whom to relate. So, as an outsider trying to help one who is depressed, you need to know how to properly break this cycle.
I want to offer some advice on how to help someone you know who suffers with depression. I can speak with some authority because I experienced it personally for a period of time in high school. Thankfully, we were able to identify the cause of my stint in an allergy medicine that I was taking. You never really pay attention to the quickly rambled-off list of side affects of a medicine until you are actually affected by them.
This picture illustrates the best way to help a depressed patient: Focus more on being with them than trying to "fix" them.
Build their trust.
To help someone out of depression, they need to be able to trust you. They will have to make themselves vulnerable to share their emotions with you. Show that you will be there for them and that you will keep confidential all that you talk about. Sometimes just telling them this won't help; you need to show them that you care about how they feel by seeking them out and listening to how they are feeling.
Do not disregard how they feel.
A helpful way to demonstrate your care for them is to give value to their emotions. From your perspective, their thoughts and feelings may distort reality or exaggerate the gravity of their situation. But, if you tell them this outright, they will feel very misunderstood, throwing them deeper into depression. We as humans are strongly tied to our sentiments. So, when they are slighted, we feel like we as people are being attacked, and are left alone. Avoid neglect of their thoughts and their perspective. Instead, say things like, "I am here for you," "You have every right to feel that way," and "I cannot know how you feel; but, I am here to try to understand."
Avoid comparisons.
It may seem like a quick fix to shift their focus to someone who is suffering worse than them. Then, you may think, they will not feel so badly about themselves. However, by doing this, you disregard how they feel, making them distrust your loyalty. They will think that you are more sympathetic to the other person than with them. Think of it as if someone compliments your friend more than you on an achievement at which you think you did better. You will assume that your work is not valid because it was not valued. Some phrases you should not use include "[Person A] has it worse of than you do," "Everybody goes through times like these," "You're not so bad off."
Remain with them.
You probably know that depression is closely tied with loneliness and seclusion. It is not that sufferers of depression want to be that way; actually, they feel like they cannot be understood by anyone and so there is no point in being social. They want to be acknowledged and understood as they are. So, it is important to be there with them. If they are not speaking or if they actively try to seclude themselves, make a strong effort to remain and just sit there with them. The presence of someone else, especially someone showing that they care, is consoling. Staying there with them until they feel comfortable to talk is a way to build their trust because they see the effort that you are putting in to help them.
Get them out of their heads.
One reason why depression self-perpetuates is because people often get stuck in their thoughts and their perspectives. To help a depressed person change, you need to help them change their perspective. However, you cannot force this upon them or tell them what the reality really is; again, this will just make them feel more misunderstood. To get them out of their heads, you need to help them focus on something else so that they will lose interest in their despondent thoughts.
Draw their attention elsewhere.
If you want to help someone out of depression, you really have to know them as they were before they became depressed. What they like, their favorite hobbies, foods, music, etc. You can use these things to draw them out of themselves toward the good, the true, and the beautiful that is in the world around them. Whenever they get to feeling blue, invite them away from where they are to do something exciting. I italicize invite to emphasize that you cannot force this upon them, because they will feel more powerless if they do not have a choice of what they do. You may have to be pretty persuasive, but do not go so far as to order them to have fun.
Don't be afraid if some small, seemingly random thing triggers their episodes.
Sometimes even a word, memory, or object will remind them of whatever it is that is at the root of their depression. This may cause them to instantly get emotional, either withdrawing themselves or breaking down. Do not be startled or offended when this happens. It's not you they were disturbed by; it was whatever reminder triggered them to become downcast. Try to talk through it with them, showing them a brighter spin. Beware though, sometimes whenever you try to give a different perspective on things, they may feel like you aren't valuing their emotions. Try to balance acknowledging how they feel with shifting their focus elsewhere.
Show them that things are not going to change unless they change.
Something that really helps bring people to reality is to show them that things are not going to change unless they change themselves. Firstly, they have to acknowledge that they do not want to stay in the dejection in which they are. Then, they must realize that they need to take the first step, with their own free will, toward a different outlook. You have to realize that you cannot change anyone; you can only walk with them on their journey.
Hope.
The best way to help someone change is to instill hope in them. In the Catholic tradition, suffering is viewed in a positive light. Christ suffered on the Cross and rose from the dead for us so that we might enter heaven with Him. Since Christ is divine, He purified all things, even suffering. By uniting our suffering with Christ, we can gain a supernatural outlook that gives meaning to our temporal pain. We look beyond the trials of this world, a consequence of original sin, into eternity, where there is no suffering. When we "offer it up," as the saying goes, our sufferings are transformed into graces to strengthen us in the Body of Christ.
All this said, I am not a psychologist, but rather, someone who offers some advice, from experience, to make people want to be more informed on this serious subject. Do consult a doctor or therapist if you know anyone going through this; they are trained and have many more resources with which to aid you.
