College. It’s that one word every high school senior says about 80 times a day. It’s the sense of freedom and branching out to find your independence. Living in dorms, going out with friends, yeah, all of that stuff you don't get to experience in high school. But for me, it wasn't like that at all. Matter of fact, it was the complete opposite. I left for my first year of college with a pillow and a suitcase full of anxiety.
Growing up, I always had some case of anxiety, but my anxiety worsened during my freshman year of college. The summer before everyone was ready to leave made my mind uneasy. I tried to convince myself that I was going to love college as much as my friends, did but that didn't happen.
I attended a small college in Pennsylvania called California University of PA (Cal U for short). It was about 30 minutes from where I live, which was far enough, but close enough just in case I wanted to go home for a night or so. I chose this school because at the time my best friend was going there too. So I figured, who wouldn't want to go to school with their best friend? Decorating a dorm together and staying up late without having our parents around sounded awesome, am I right? No. No, I was completely wrong. College is nothing like the movies. In reality, living with your best friend sometimes isn't what its all cracked up to be. But hey, now I know. Her and I, however, went separate ways once we started classes.
After moving out, I found myself being very lonely. I packed up all of my things and told my parents I was coming home. As you can imagine, they weren't all that thrilled with my decision. I came home and completely lost my mind. I cried and cried and told my parents I needed to leave school. The atmosphere just wasn’t for me. I became depressed, and looking back, I hated who I was. My mom and my aunt convinced me to stick it out for the remaining nine weeks, but in my head, that was torture. I began not eating because I let my depression overtake me. My body completely shut down on me, and I wasn't Amber anymore. I was someone that nobody knew.
Before college, I was the type of girl who would laugh about stupid things that didn't make sense and be up for anything. But living with anxiety changed who I was. I ended up seeking help at the Health Center at school. I saw a therapist every Wednesday after class. Let me tell you, don't ever feel embarrassed to go talk to someone, because in the end, my therapist saved my life. I would talk to him about everything that was bothering me, and he made me feel like I was going to be OK and what I was going through would eventually stop. He was right. Once I cleared my head and kept telling myself that I was OK, I actually was OK, believe it or not.
I eventually transferred after my first semester of school to Duquesne University. Looking back, I feel like I wasted my freshman year of college all because I let my anxiety control me. However, going through that awful time of my life made me realize I'm a strong person. I stuck it out when I hated life, essentially, and finished my time at Cal U. I feel like going through something that dramatic made me become who I am today. I joined clubs and started talking to people I would never imagine at my new school. I even joined a sorority this past spring, which was the greatest decision I have ever made in college. Having friends like the ones I have met has really made my anxiety go away. Being involved on campus does make a difference, and actually liking the college you are at makes life so much more bearable. I'm lucky that I have what I have. In the end, college isn't so bad once you learn how to overcome the obstacles that stand in the way. College truly symbolizes the person you want to become, and the person you can be.
