Okay, not really.

Honestly, I despise cleaning. However, in order to mentally function, I have to clean. All the time. Not finishing my cleaning to do list will actually keep me up at night. And try as I might, I can’t convince my spouse that not cleaning can make me physically ill, and not due to allergies or asthma to the dust bunnies.

I can’t tell you exactly when this happened. Growing up, my mother kept a clean house. She was not obsessed with it. I mean, we did bring our upright vacuum in the camper with us during vacation, but we did not grow up with my parents wearing white gloves, checking the dust.

I remember making my bed every day while in high school. Everything was orderly. Closet items were arranged by tank tops to long sleeve shirts, and of course they were organized by color.

I didn’t realize my cleaning issue was a problem until early in marriage, my husband called my mother complaining that the pillows had to go in a certain order. I remember thinking to myself that of course pillows go in a certain pattern and order, didn’t everybody’s?

I have had multiple conversations with my spouse on how the house must be cleaned before I leave on vacation. Husbands, please take note, most wives do not want to come home to a dirty house while they just spent a relaxing weekend away. I can tell you that I can relax so much better on the beach knowing the laundry is done, the dishwasher is emptied and the bed is made while I have a cute little umbrella drink in my hand. Otherwise, I will be counting down the hours while making mental check lists of what needs to be done as soon as we return from vacation.

I have tried to learn to let things go. I’ve asked my circle of friends how often they mop, or clean baseboards to see if I was being too obsessive. In my unofficial data collection, I have found out, I’m pretty normal, much to the dismay of my husband.

I have been asked by my family and friends why I feel the need to clean or why it affects me so much. In all honestly, I don't know how to answer it, or I have a hard time explaining why I feel the way I do. I think it is part of my genetic make-up. It is how my brain works and functions. I find that most of the friends in my circle are similar, maybe we just attract each other.

I really wish I could ignore the dishes in the sink or the laundry stacking up. Unfortunately, I can’t. I can feel my palms get sweaty and my anxiety build as the piles multiply like bunnies overnight. Trust me, I do not live in anything that resembles a model home. I have too many “junk” drawers to count. We even have a room or two whose doors stay locked and closed when company comes over. I am a horrible organizer of bills and mail, even though I have bought cute little baskets and desk organizers.

Can you imagine hiring a landscaper to come over and mow the grass, and when they are complete, they leave one small circle of grass in the middle of the yard uncut? You would possibly feel upset or angry with the fact that you have this beautiful yard, but all you can focus on is the uncut patch. That’s how I feel when it comes to cleaning. I love my house. I love the people I share it with. But I can’t relax if I leave one part undone, like the uncut grass.

I don’t want my issues with cleaning to be an issue with my family or friends. For the most part, I feel I’ve done a pretty good job not allowing it to be an issue. I remember jokingly commenting that if someone broke into my house, I wouldn’t want them to think we were messy.

As I get older, not necessarily wiser, I try to become a better person, even if it means leaving cute little dog prints across the living room floor. I try to balance learning to relax and enjoy the day with learning to deal with my own internal issues, the things that make me - me. I am thankful that most days, my spouse understands and puts up with my cleaning habits. He knows that he can put a smile on my face if he attempts to surprise me by making the bed. He tries to understand that I must find all the balls for the ball popper toy before I go to bed, even if it means moving the couch for me. Even though he is just fine with the piles and dust bunnies and dishes, he tries his best to understand.

So, if you stop by for a cup of coffee, please ignore the birthday decorations hanging up from January. I’m working on letting things go. And if you happen to run into my husband, remind him that even though I may be a little quirky when it comes to cleaning, I am still a pretty cool person, even if my pillows go in order.