In case the twelve maximum people who read my articles have forgotten, or just missed it, this is the time of year where we have to be mindful of the Christmas Beaver. No relation to Ronald the Beaver. Last year I explained how my family discovered the unheard of phenomenon of the Christmas Beaver. Long story short, my family found a decoration made up of Christmas lights that depicted a beaver gnawing down a tree. From this, we concluded that this must represent the legendary Christmas Beaver, who cuts down Christmas trees and delivers them to all of the moderately well behaved households in time for the holidays. Everyone else gets mauled to death and used for his dam made out of people. So for this year, I prove his existence.
This right here is a candid snapshot of the traditional Christmas Beaver light up decoration, depicting the holy creature chopping down a tree with his fearsome teeth. Look close at the tree.
Thin trunk, round formation of the green leaves at the top. This tree is no doubt, a mop birch tree. These trees are popular for their lolly-pop shape and convenient size for gardens. But there’s one important detail about these trees that I’m sure you have already caught on. They are birch trees, or betula trees to be scientific. As everyone knows, the birch tree is the official state tree of New Hampshire. And what is New Hampshire known for? That’s right -- winter sports. Many experts agree that Christmas is indeed in winter, which is the perfect time for winter sports.
So we’ve successfully connected the Christmas Beaver to Christmas. But what other proof do we have that the Christmas Beaver is real and should be feared? Let’s see how deep the rabbit hole goes. The results will shock you.
So Christmas takes place in winter, which is when people tend to participate in winter sports. People like the athletes in the Winter Olympics. Ever since 1968, The Olympic games commonly feature adorable mascot characters to represent the year the games took place. And who was the mascot for the 1976 Summer Olympic games? Amik, which is Anishinaabe word for beaver. It just so happens that Amik was himself a beaver.
Was Amik a cute mascot to represent Canada, where the Summer Olympics took place in 1976 or a reference to the blessed Christmas Beaver?
Case. Closed.
Now that the proof is laid out, you had better make sure you offer a sacrifice of neatly bundled lumber left on your front porch to avoid the Christmas Beaver’s holy wrath. Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, the beaver will find you and punish you for your refusal to acknowledge his presence. He doesn’t discriminate, unlike that antisemitic bastard with the reindeer. That guy sucks.
Christmas Beaver Prayer
"Glory to the magnificent teeth
The menacing eyes
Timber"
