I do not want children. This decision has alone been considered one of the most “taboo” things about me, prompting the most negative feedback. I, along with many other women have received comments from both family and friends about how this decision is the most selfish and wrong thing to do; that choosing not to have children is both a “waste” of our abilities, or something that we will hopefully “grow out” of.
Both women choosing to have, or not have children, are both effected by these hindering comments, and the expectations behind them. Even women that have children, are bombarded with the expectation to do so, and may simply choose to have children as the path of least resistance to these biological and traditional expectations that are thrusted upon them. If we are to boil away the hindering expectations of society, what we see is that the choice to have or not have children, is simply a matter of making our own individual lives, the best they can be to us.
Often the choice to have children or not doesn’t feel much like a “choice” at all. Tradition and biology are likely the main reasons that women don’t feel that the choice is theirs. Biologically, the key to life is reproduction. Biology works hard to promote reproduction in so many ways because sustaining species is the key to life and existence. Because of our biological wiring, it’s hard for a creature to override its instincts, which means that even in a society where the birth rate is higher than the death rate, humans still have a deeply rooted biological desire to reproduce.
For both the women making the choice not to have children, and the people saying that it is a “waste” of a woman’s abilities, our biological instincts can often feel like a prison of expectation. People feel as though women have a duty to nature to reproduce, since they are given the equipment to do so. But having the opportunity to do something, doesn’t mean we must pursue it.
Every time we go to a restaurant starving, we only choose the one meal we believe we will most enjoy. Though we have the ability to choose every option on the menu, we don’t because it would, in the end, make us less happy knowing we spent so much money on all of this food that will likely go to waste now, because we really only wanted the chicken parmesan.
Obviously, humans have come rather far in their evolution; certainly fulfilling nature’s goal of promoting thriving species, so why do we still expect to have children beyond this biological necessity? Tradition mainly. Beyond our biological drives that have made having children vital, tradition has now caused it to become the “norm”. All throughout history mothers have had children, and that is their purpose, and their measurement of success in the world; produce wonderful, world-changing offspring, and you will have fulfilled your purpose and duty.
In a progressing world, where people are critically evaluating traditions, and seeing that women are able to succeed on their own, and in other ways besides producing successful offspring, many women have decided that their happiness is more important than tradition. But like most traditions, people have a difficult time outgrowing them for fear of something worse, but hindering the possibility of something better.
Many people prefer to live in the illusion that values and life doesn’t change, and that society will always at its core be the same. In this way, many people believe that a woman making the choice to not have children is simply a deviation from the “path” that life has always gone down. Thus, traditional people in dismissiveness of change sigh the response of “you’ll change your mind one day”, regardless of the time and thought a woman has put into making her decision.
In this current society, if we are to eliminate biology and tradition from women making the choice to have or not have children, what it comes down to, is that both choosing to have, or not to have children are simply personal choices; both are selfish, and neither are wrong.
Why do we have children if we remove these expectations from the equation? What it comes down to, is that well, we want children. Maybe I want them because I want to raise them with my values, because I think I have the best values. Maybe I want them because I hope they will care for me in the twilight of my life. Perhaps I just want them because I want lifelong companionship, and to care for something that loves me in return. What you’ll notice about these reasons, is that they all inevitably have “I” in them. No matter what your reason is for choosing to have a child, in the end, it has a benefit to you, and that is why you want it.
In the same way, a women may choose not to have a child, because she does not want them. Maybe I don’t want to be responsible for another life because I am still living my own. Maybe I would rather dedicate my entire time to my career. Perhaps I just don’t want to contribute to the high birth rate. Just as the reasons for wanting children, the reasons for not wanting them all include “I”.
But “I” is not wrong, that is a massive misconception. We each have to live with ourselves every day. Thanks to food, water, shelter and a progressive society, instead of worrying about our basic needs we can focus on fulfilling ourselves. We must make choices for the sake of our happiness, and to make sure our own lives are worth living, and that we have a purpose to keep going. That doesn’t mean that we disregard other lives though for the sake of ourselves; oftentimes, our own happiness is directly affected by the happiness of another. Do not be fooled by this illusion that selfishness=malevolence; the person who goes to feed the homeless at the shelter every night does it for “I”; because it makes “I” feel good, and feel moral.
All choices are rooted in the self, and that is not wrong. But, what makes each person happy is different for each individual. But, because of this, and because humans are so fixated on making a “good” life, we often pity the people who are not finding happiness the same way we are. We believe they are “missing out” by not having an experience many others are having, or that we are having. In the same way we tell the introvert who would rather watch a movie alone that they are “missing out” by not going to a frat party, we tell the women who do not want to have children that they are “missing out” on the experience.
In fact, people aren’t wrong for saying that a woman will miss out on an experience by not having children, because she will, but, in the same way that the person who only ordered chicken parmesan instead of the whole menu, is missing out on an experience to eat the fish; they probably don’t mind because they know they like chicken parmesan better than fish anyway, even though they are still missing out on possibly having the best fish ever.
This can be best summed up in a quote from an essay by Jeanne Safer entitled “Beyond Beyond Motherhood”, where she states that:
“There is no life without regrets. Every important choice has its benefits and its deficits, whether or not people admit it or even recognize the fact: no mother has the radical, lifelong freedom that is essential for happiness. I will never know the intimacy with, or have the impact on, a child that a mother has. Losses, including the loss of future possibilities, are inevitable in life; nobody has it all.”
It is just as much a taboo to say that I do not want children, as it is for a woman to say I would rather not have had children. But neither of these should be taboo. Both options have their drawbacks, it’s impossible for something to be perfect. As Safer eloquently notes, we all have to cut our losses. There is no way for a person to experience everything, thus, we will “miss out” on things inevitably.
Every day, the world happens around us as we sit in our homes; fights happen in the streets, cures for diseases are found, perhaps all while we were asleep in our beds. In a society that values experience so much, it’s hard for us to accept that concept; especially when you can’t imagine any meal better than the fish, but your best friend insists on the chicken parmesan.
We will all lose things, and miss out on opportunities, so we can’t tell a woman that not having children is wrong because she’s missing out, because of course she is! And so is a woman who has children missing out on a life without them. But, it’s impossible to not miss out on anything. What it all comes down to, is making our own lives the best they can be, and in a world with endless things to experience but no way to experience it all that means choosing which things we personally, definitely do not want to miss out on.
It is all a matter of personal choice, and we cannot condemn others for choosing which experiences make them the most happy. For some, they could never imagine missing out on the fish, but for others, fish pales in comparison to not missing out on the chicken parmesan. For some, they would never want to miss out on a life without being called “mom”, endless hugs, or watching their child succeed in life. For me, I never want to miss out on advancing my career, weekends for day trips, and relaxing in a clean, silent house every night.
