Depression, according to Merriam-Webster online is defined as a “serious medical condition in which a person feels very sad, hopeless, and unimportant and often is unable to live in a normal way”. Depression, in a nutshell, is the monster in the corner who convinces you that there is nothing left in life to be happy about. The definition of anxiety in the same dictionary is “fear or nervousness about what might happen”. Basically, anxiety is the enemy in the corner who convinces you that staying inside is better than going out into the world. It’s scary, it’s volatile, and it’s the feeling that everyone is watching and judging you all the time. It’s about not wanting to be alone, but at the same time you’re feeling alone in a room full of people. Trust me; I know the feeling.
My name is Sheena and I have depression and suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. People are always telling you that the first step is admitting you have a problem. I’m a little confused by this sentiment though, because I don’t believe I have a problem. My depression is simply a part of who I am. It’s not my favorite part, but it is still a part of me. I think as though my first step out of the darkness was admitting to myself that even though I may not like having this illness, I do have it. Acknowledging my depression and anxiety for what it was took some of its power over me away. By simply stating that yes, I have depression, I saw my first glimpse of the light at the end of this very long, dark tunnel I had been navigating alone for months.
What started as a way to work through the issues in my marriage, became my lifeline. I was smiling again, laughing again, and I began finding joy in the everyday again. To clarify things a little, I am in therapy and have been for weeks. There have been many times when I have questioned this decision. Sometimes I wonder why I’m making such a big deal about it all. I should be able to be happy without needing someone to explain what happiness is. I should be able to handle all the items on my to-do list without having to constantly remind myself that I am human and cannot do everything alone. The truth is though, no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted to be able to calm my own storm, I couldn’t. The absolute and honest truth is that therapy saved my life.
I remember the minute I decided to make that appointment for the first time. It occurred to me as I was sitting in the office waiting for my son to finish his hour. I asked myself when exactly was it that my eight year old child became stronger and braver than me. He feels no shame and sees nothing wrong about spending an hour with his therapist every two weeks. When he came out of the door and it was time to schedule his next appointment, I found myself saying the words “I’d like to make one for myself too, if I could”. Those words were the beginning of my journey through the tunnel. It was at that moment that I made the ultimate decision to change my outlook and pull my head up above the water. And it was high time I do so, because my husband and children were beginning to suffer the effects of my personal darkness.
There is nothing on this Earth or in this life that I love more than my husband and my kids. During my first hour with my therapist, I discovered something about myself that I didn’t even know existed. I discovered that I’m the type of person who has to please everyone and so I am always putting everyone else first. I give and give and give until I break. I also discovered that it’s okay to reach your breaking point. It’s okay to stand up for yourself and demand a little time just for you. While in therapy, I have learned that if I don’t take care of myself first, then I have nothing worth giving to anyone else around me.
There is way too much stigma attached to mental illness in today’s society. This is part of the reason that I have kept quiet about my own battle with it until now. I never knew what kind of reception I would receive from my loved ones. I still don’t. No one should feel like speaking up makes them weak, but in the world today that is what is shoved at us daily. We’re supposed to be superhuman and carry our immensely heavy loads without complaint. Enough is enough. Don’t think it a sign of weakness to admit you cannot do everything. The truth is, we’re humans and the only super thing about us is that we are stronger for admitting there are limits to what we can do.
The most important take away from this is of course is to never fear the stigma that is depression or anxiety. There is no reason to avoid taking a seat on the couch and paying someone to listen to you talk. In fact, I have found it comforting that this person has to listen to me without judgement. Nothing I say will ever warrant a disapproving look or an awkward stare. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel and the only way to find it is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Once again, my name is Sheena and I have depression and suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, but I’m going to be just fine because I choose therapy over the darkness.
