I never felt like I had depression and anxiety until things got really hard for me in my first year of college. I felt depressed sometimes in high school, but I considered it to be a normal sort of sadness. I got nervous, but it wasn't anxiety. I had friends and family members with depression or anxiety and they frustrated me. I couldn't understand why they weren't able to simply get over the sadness or anxiety like I could. They didn't want my help, they didn't want to do anything about it, and it hurt me. I just didn't get it. Now I do and this is what depression and anxiety feel like for me.
I'm not sad when I'm depressed. I'm frustrated. I might get angry or anxious, but most of the time I'm apathetic. My head hurts and it feels heavy, walking from my classroom to my dorm feels like I'm walking miles, and all that I care about is sleeping. I don't want to leave my bed, I don't want to shower, and I don't want to hang out with friends. Everything feels like a chore. I cry, but I feel nothing. It's draining, exhausting, and confusing.
Everything hits hard when I'm anxious. I worry, I try to get all my stuff together, and I stress over perfection, cleaning my room, and getting ahead on homework. I avoid friends out of the fear that they'll notice my shaky hands and voice, my lack of eye contact, or how quiet I get because I don't want to say the wrong thing. I stay up for hours into the night and make way too many calls home. I bombard my mother with hypothetical catastrophes that eat at me in the form of "what if."
Sometimes, I go on my Tumblr and see the blogs and posts of suicidal quotes with 20,000 notes, the pictures of tragically beautiful girls with mascara-stained cheeks, or the boy kissing away a girl's scars. That frustrates me. It's not what depression is. It's not what anxiety is. There's nothing beautiful or romantic about it.
Depression and anxiety leave a bad taste in your mouth. They lock you in your room for hours on end with the lights off and the blinds closed. They make you question your self-worth and your sanity. You would give anything to feel good, motivated, and carefree. Depression makes you not care about anything and anxiety makes you care too much. It's a paradoxical, dangerous combination.
Luckily, I have an amazing support network of friends and family. Fortunately, I finally feel like I have the upper hand in my mental health because of my great counselor, a fantastic college faculty that cares, and people like my boyfriend and best friends who can empathize with me. It's time to be an advocate. If you or someone who you know is struggling, please make a point to be kind to yourself and to others and to ask for help if you need it. Please help change the conversation about the way that we see mental health. It's nothing to be defined by or ashamed of.
For more info on mental health, please visit http://www.activeminds.org/, an organization dedicated to raising mental health awareness.
