Cancer, You Will Not Go Down Without A Fight

Cancer, You Will Not Go Down Without A Fight

There will always be a race to find a cure so that you will never ever exist in the future.

Cancer. When people hear the word, people are angry that a disease can be so cruel and unpredictable. Some may raise their heads high because they fought the battle and won. Others may be sad or mourning the loss of a close friend or loved one that has lost the fight of this disgusting disease. The most common connotation is that it is an evil word. Millions of individuals are diagnosed with cancer each year and a million more family members and friends are affected. At some point in our lives, someone we know will be diagnosed with cancer

My first memory of someone being diagnosed with cancer was my mom's childhood friend. They were in the same classes in elementary school, they were in each other's weddings, they were there when their children were born. They grew up together. She was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. She fought a long, hard fight until she lost that battle. I saw my mom go through the heartbreak that cancer causes people. I saw the pain she and so many other friends and family members had to cope with during this tragic loss of life.

The one that has affected me the most was my father's childhood friend. Not only was he a strong family man but was strong in the Christian faith. He was a healthy guy until one day he wasn't. I called my dad one night while I was at college. He told me the news that his best friend was diagnosed with cancer. My heart broke. How could someone so healthy and so active be crippled by this repulsive sickness? But he wasn't giving up that easily. He had the whole community rooting for him. However, he left a lot sooner than anyone expected. A lot sooner than any of us wanted him to.

This was the first time I felt like I had been directly hurt by cancer. To think that a month before he was diagnosed, he contacted me on Facebook Messenger during my first full week at college. He talked to my dad and heard how I was having a rough start in adjusting to college life and wanted to check in on me. He asked how I was doing and all I could do to alleviate my homesickness. That was the kind of guy he was. I messaged him for 30 minutes that night. He told me that the next time he was up in the Bloomington-Normal area, he would take me out for lunch. He never got the chance to do that. It has been a year since that conversation happened and so much has changed since then.

When I hear that someone has been diagnosed with cancer, I often feel helpless. What can I do to help them fight? I have participated in Relay for Life only once but that event changed my life. People come together to stay up all night and raise money for cancer research, to finally find a cure for this foul illness.

Cancer, you will not control those who have to fight you. You will not control those who support them in this tough fight. We will not let you take away those affected by you without a fight. Because no one fights alone. There will always be someone to support your victims. There will always be a race to find a cure so that you will never, ever exist in the future.

My mother's best friend has been gone for five years now and my dad's childhood friend would have celebrated his 50th birthday last week. To those who are still fighting the fight, you have my support and the support of so many others until you defeat this. Because no one fights alone.

Cover Image Credit: Megan Pellock

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

From an outside perspective, suicidal thoughts are rarely looked into deeper than the surface level. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is that people live in between those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble, and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead.

You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling, whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die?" or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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Who else knows fashion, beauty, style, or looks better than other females themselves?


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Some ladies live by "beauty is pain." But sorry guys, they are not here to impress you.

Why would some ladies spend all the time, effort, and money for men, when some men can't distinguish mascara from lipgloss.

Women are trying to impress other women.

You ever get a compliment from a fellow female and they're like, "Girl, yes girl. The outfit, the hair, YES." Ladies understand and appreciate our efforts.

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