Depression. It's the 10-letter word that most people are terrified to talk about. Most people believe that if someone is depressed, that they don't want to live. I want to be the first to tell you it doesn't always work that way.
Growing up, I had dreams and goals. I was going to go to Auburn University and I was going to become a music major. I played sports and I was an athletic trainer. But, I had something holding me back from accomplishing the things I wanted to. There was a something that was telling me that I shouldn't even try. I couldn't identify it for the longest time.
When I was in 8th grade, I learned what depression was. I knew people got sad because I was feeling sad for days at a time for no reason. But, it was new to me that there was actually a mental illness that made people's brains different... A mental illness that made my brain different. I understand that everyone gets sad.
If there were people out there that didn't get sad ... Well, it's probably because they stay high all the time. I was at a new school and I remember that a girl killed herself. It was the first time that I had ever heard of a real person killing themselves. I was so sheltered as a kid. Hearing about this girl had really messed with my mind. Later that year, I learned what self-harm was. That's when I knew there was something "different" about me.
I started self-harming at age thirteen. It helped me not focus what was going on in my mind. I wore long sleeves in the Texas heat and for awhile I wasn't that sad. But, the day my stepmom walked into my room and asked to see my arms, I lost it. I lost everything. My parents didn't treat me the same. They said the self-harm was all for attention and I had no reason to be "depressed"... There's that word again. I saw counselors and tried to find out why I was so damn sad all the time.
I hid the self-harm for nine years from everyone.
I hid from everyone.
Then, two years ago, I cracked.
I didn't want to live anymore and I tried to say "Goodbye."
Two years ago, I also finally decided that I needed to seek help. I was told that I had severe depression and I started taking antidepressants. By now, you're probably thinking that I'm some stuck up chick who needs to suck it up and realize how good I have it.
You're right, but this also isn't my entire life story. I am no longer on my medication. I am not always happy. I still get depressed, but I'm still going to try to live the one life I have, to its fullest.
I may be depressed, but I still have a life to live.
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ARE STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND/OR TENDENCIES, REACH OUT IMMEDIATELY. NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THIS ALONE. SUICIDE IS SERIOUS.
National Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255 - available 24/7
