Recently, my best friend said to me that she wished she could be heartless like me. I told her it’s a learned skill: being able to brush off feelings quickly and move on to another whirlwind romance. So I am told that I am heartless, and maybe I am. I don’t always take the feelings of others into account.

Okay, so maybe “heartless” isn’t the right term. More like perceived heartlessness because my coldness comes from a place of past warmth.

I am afraid of commitment. I don’t want to be in a committed relationship and then discover that I want something (or someone) else. I don’t want to be stuck in one place for too long. But then again, I want to be happy with one person. I want that fairy tale-like love that you only think exists in movies and storybooks. I want to be with someone, to plan and build a future with that one person. I want the gift of being able to be able to fall in love with someone at the same time that they fall in love with me.

I am a girl who fell in love with someone at the wrong time, and in the wrong place. I fell in love with someone who may even feel the same way about me, but that someone isn’t one who I am able to be with, despite our desire to be together.

I fell in love across the ocean. Not only did I fall in love with the country I was in, I fell in love with myself, and at the same time, I fell in love with you. On some level, I think you fell in love with me, too. We had a relationship that kicked my legs out from under me but at the same time made me feel like I could fly. Obviously we never really discussed it, but there was a connection we shared, and I don’t know that that connection ever died. We still sometimes talk, even though we are thousands of miles apart. It isn’t the same at all, but I still get butterflies when I see I have a message from you.

I don’t want to do long distance, but I would try for you. But though I say that, I don’t want to be alone. I still crave to be with someone, even though they aren’t you. I can’t be on my own for too long. But I still don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone other than you.

I will only be happy with you. Or so I think. Because you made me happier than I have been with anyone else. You made me feel safe, and able to be myself. You made me feel important and we had fun while also being able to have real discussions and spend time together without pressure. Then I had to leave, and you left too.

I’m struggling with missing my home and missing you. My soul was evicted from my chest when I left the Emerald Isle. You made my home complete. We could build a home together. We could be together. We could, one day, love each other.

So I’m not heartless, not entirely. I have a heart, I just left it with a boy who is too many miles away. I tried to protect myself but ended up giving my heart away entirely. I hope he’s taking good care of it.

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