Throughout life, I've always been a crier. I was the kid who cried whenever I was pinched, fell, or got yelled at. To be honest, any form of pain that I felt was released through tears. My bullies and even my friends instantly nicknamed me "cry baby." Now, I typically wait for every single emotion in me to build up and burst at my breaking point which usually occurs randomly once a month. Since I grew up being the crier I am not bothered by my random outbursts, but I have learned that my occasional out-pours tend to make emotionless people very uncomfortable. Being considerate of them, I try to limit myself to one sad song in the car to cry, but now that I am in college I have no car and nowhere to hide my cry.
Anyways, the other day I had a random breakdown at dance which is where I tend to cry considering most of my time is spent at the studio. When I tell you these outbursts are random I mean I could literally be talking and laughing one second and then I will look over at a friend and say "I think I need to cry." and they usually say something like "Oh gosh, why?" and that is when I begin to bawl. However, this was my first time crying while at my new studio so they didn't really know how to handle it. Some hovered over me asking if I was okay. Others tried to analyze it. One called me a cry baby and few became uncomfortable and removed themselves from the situation.
Although I'm usually unapologetic about my excessive crying, them being unsure about how to handle the situation made me feel worse. I called my mom that night and she tried to analyze my outburst, knowing that's what I hate the most. As I began to hang up on her, my mother compared me to a broken egg shell. She then called me Humpty Dumpty. I didn't really know where she was going with that metaphor and I wasn't looking to find out. That was until I found myself up late at night pondering my recently released emotions and asking myself why I am the way I am.
By 3AM I had come to a conclusion about the broken egg shell metaphor and it made since. Truth is, I am a broken egg shell and in ways I am Humpty Dumpty. When thinking about an egg: when it breaks the shell around it is completely shattered when too much pressure is added. To most, it seems ruined, but if you take a closer look at the egg on the ground or wherever it has landed it still has one thing that is usually intact; the yolk. Once the egg is broken, most seem to think the egg is damaged goods. However, they don't take the time to value the yolk that still remains.
When I have too much pressure on me, when I become completely overwhelmed, I break. My outer shell shatters into a bunch of little pieces and I cry. If not accustomed to my array of emotions you may think that I am damaged goods or completely done for, but if you really took the time to do your so called "analysis" you would know that I'm whole inside. You would know my yolk remains intact despite my shell being cracked.
In the notorious nursery rhyme "Humpty Dumpty" it states,
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men,
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
So maybe your asking how on earth I came up with comparing myself to a figure named Humpty Dumpty who appears to be a short and clumsy egg. Well, it all makes since to me. If you think about it, we all have a little Humpty in us. We place ourselves on these high pedestals and then some force, something bigger than us ends up knocking us off our pedestal. After being knocked off, our loved ones try to aid us and put us together again, but they aren't always capable of doing so.
Somehow in this way of life, we have become obsessed with this idea of masculinity and strength at all times. In the midst of covering up our feelings to make others feel better and taming our thoughts and emotions, we forgot how good it felt to release. We forgot how good it feels to cry. In some ways it is important to know that being Humpty Dumpty is okay. It's okay to fall off for a bit as long as we get back up. What our friends and family must know is that they won't always be able to put us together again and just because we fall does not mean we are forever broken. Remember, just like the broken egg shell although the outer appearance may seem ruined the inner core/yolk remains intact.
Instead of being ashamed of my emotions and keeping them in even longer than I already have, I choose to cry. I choose to be the broken egg shell in that time being. I handle my momentary fall and then piece myself together again. In life it's important to know these two things: 1) It's okay to cry and 2) It's okay to not be okay.
So, the next time I cry in front of you the least you could do is refer to me as a broken egg shell or Humpty Dumpty rather than a cry baby. Save yourself your analysis. Just know that I'm okay. I'm truly okay with not being okay.
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