To the boy who broke my heart,

My heart still stops when I think of what happened. How I could give my whole heart to someone, and then it be taken for granted and thrown away to the side.

I remember crying endlessly, feeling a kind of hurt that I had never imagined to have over someone. It felt like someone dumped bricks on my chest and then followed by the swelling and narrowing of my throat making it hard to breath. My heart was breaking, I was crumbling.

When I first met you, I told myself I was taking a break from relationships and I was going to just be free and happy. Then you came along out of no where and I remember how you made my heart flutter. You made me feel on top of the world. The happiness I experienced when you were near me or just looked at me made me question if I really experienced something like this before. With you I felt safe, for the first time with anyone before.

I remembered when our hands touched accidentally for the first time I felt a literal spark.

You made me laugh, smile, and grow to be a better person. To see and define my values, about family, marriage, and faith. It was all so surreal, and I couldn't believe I was so lucky.

I looked forward to the moments I could see you, when I could visit you. When you could visit me.

You made me fall for you quickly even though I was so hesitant to. Deep in my heart I really wanted you to finally be that person that finally worked out.

I wanted to believe it so bad.

I remember how we could talk for hours on the phone about anything and everything, we shared our values, secrets, goals, stories. I remember having a smile plastered on my face, and it automatically becoming flushed and my checks would become rose in a second whenever I got a text or call from you. It felt amazing to finally have that.

But as time went on things changed, the nightly calls stopped, and only happened every once in a while. We would only text a few times a day, and I remember being so confused. I questioned what I could have done, I questioned what was wrong with me.

It became a viscous cycle of you putting me to the side, making me feel like your second option to everything else in your world. I remember sending you long texts about how much I cared about you still and how much I missed you and wanted to see you. And you never sent them back.

I was trying so hard to get back to how we were when we first met. I denied the real reasons you didn't text back or didn't answer my calls. I made excuses for you, and made it seem like it was okay.

I wish I hadn't done that.

I wish I wouldn't of blamed myself for everything you did. I wish I wouldn't of spent so much time going though in my head about every single detail of our past conversations or interactions, questioning if I did something wrong. If my hair looked bad that day, or if I looked fat. If I wasn't funny enough, smart enough, fun enough, good enough.

I questioned everything about me. I questioned if I was a good person. If I was to ugly for you. If I was to boring. If I was irrelevant. If I said the wrong things. If I was thinking the wrong things. If I was the problem.

All I wanted to do was to fight for you.

I didn't want to loose you.

Time went on and I know you were pulling away even more, and the cycle of self destruction continued. It continued every time you ignored me, every time you gave me a half hearted conversation. Every time it got worse because I didn't know why this was all happening. Why I wasn't good enough for you.

And then it finally happened. It happened where it all started. The same place I first felt butterflies for you is the same place you broke my heart.

I remember standing there speechless. I remember trying to hold back my tears, trying to contain every emotion I was feeling because it felt like a fast fully loaded train ramming into my heart delivering every emotion I could think of.

I couldn't believe I was loosing you.

But I had lost you before this happen, and I knew it in my heart.

But as much as I felt like I was loosing you I knew I had lost myself a long time ago.

I lost myself when I started questioning myself. I lost myself when I was changing myself to make you happy. I lost myself when I gave you the control of my happiness.

When it was finally all over, I remember you giving me an answer I knew was half true to the reason why you decided for us to end. But the other half, at that moment, was me who still believed it was because I wasn't good enough.

All those negative thoughts about myself came rushing into my head. My heart felt like it was giving up. I wiped my tears and said I had to go. And I left.

My biggest fear and the thing I was denying to myself was going to happen, happened.

I wanted to badly for you to chase after me and say it was all a mistake. I even stopped in the middle of me walking away, to give you a chance. That's when I realized I had given you to many chances.

You never came after me.

When I first met you, I never in a million years thought even for a second you could hurt me. But in the end the person I believed would never hurt me caused me the worst pain I've ever felt in a relationship.

But even worst than that, was I questioned and devalued myself the entire time when you pulled away.

I felt and thought of myself so horribly.

And the worst part was when I asked you, how you think I felt about the last few months, you told me "honestly, you hadn't really though about it".

That is when I knew I had wasted my time. All I had been doing those months were thinking about YOUR feelings and how YOU felt, and how I could make thing better for YOU. I always put YOU first, but to you I was long down the lists of any of your thoughts.

I guess that's what it took. That's what it took after months of unhappiness and fighting for someone who didn't want to fight for me too.

To the boy who broke my heart, thank you for making me realize to NEVER let any one have control of my happiness again.

Thank you for teaching me that I have to love myself before I can give myself to anyone else. Because that person might not be helping me realize the beauty inside I hold but doing the opposite instead.

Thank you for teaching me to never be the one to keep trying if the other person isn't.

Thank you for teaching me that I have to be strong. To not back down in the end.

Thank you for teaching me in the future to be more selfish, to not 100% of the time put the other persons happiness before my own because then the end result will be 0% left for me.

Thank you for forcing me to find me again.

Even though I experienced a lot of pain, during and after, I had to push myself to be strong and move on. I had to find myself again.

I had to get rid of the old me that questioned myself and everything I was about, and go back and realize who I lost. I am not those negative things I made myself believe for such a long time, I am worthy of happiness.

I might still think about you from time to time. About the good times and the butterflies you gave me. The late phone calls, and how you became one of my closets friends.

But for now. I am finally at peace with what happened. I am at peace with myself. I am learning slowly to love myself again, to not question myself but just love me for me.

Yes I might still have insecurities, but this time I know in my heart it won't be because of you.

I know one day I'll meet that person that will love me for me. That will love me unconditionally without judgement. They will support me and my dreams. Where I am at life and will walk beside me through it. One day I'll meet someone who won't leave. Someone who will fight for me as much as I would fight for them.

One day I will find my one true love.

But for right now, I am happy just being with me. I am not going to go out looking for my Prince Charming because I know deep in my heart he will come one day. It may be someone I have met or someone I have yet to, but I know the best things come unexpectedly.

For right now, I know my heart is healed, and is smiling again. I have so many beautiful people in my life, my family, friends, sisters who will love me relentlessly. And I am thankful for having that.

To the girl dealing with heart break:

It's not your fault. Don't ever let anyone make you feel less than the amazingly beautiful person you are. You are worth of love, you are worthy of happiness, and you are worthy of the world. You're an incredibly beautiful being, you will find someone who will help you realize that. Someone who will be beside you in the best and worst times, because they would rather be with you through those hard times and not abandon you. You will find someone who will fight for you. Never let anyone lower your goals or expectations. I know it might be hard now, but trust me. You will be stronger, you will have an open perspective on love again. Don't close you're heart to love, because you never know who might come in. You're amazing. And if someone isn't making you feel that way, or doesn't realize that, it's their loss, never question yourself. You are you, and you don't have to change yourself for anyone to find love.

You're value doesn't deceased because of someone's inability to see your worth.

To the boy who broke my heart, I want you to know I didn't write this to make you upset or feel bad. I want to you to know that even though things might have not worked out. I appreciate every smile you gave me, every hug, every laugh, every late phone call, and for all the support you gave me in my best times and worst times. I don't regret the time I had with you because you did give me moments of true happiness. We might not be each other's forever, but I do hope you find yours. I want to thank you for helping me realize I lost myself in the end, because now I get to find her again. Maybe you'll meet her again, but for now I only wish you happiness. I hope you are doing well, and you are still smiling that smile that radiated light and love. Never loose that smile. But you don't have to worry because I am okay.

I am happy to be happy again. Thank you for all the memories we had, I hope you made some too.