I go past the place you used to work when I come home from school. I look for your vehicle every time in town even though I know you are at school. I know you have moved on. And so have I. But I can't help but remember what you all did to me, all the things we did together. Everything about us.
I turn on the radio and channel surf and pass the channel that you always listened to when we were in the car together. The songs you made me listen to. I hear the name of the actor you used to love seeing in movies and my hear immediately thinks of you.
You were stuck in my head for years. The boy that made my life fun. It made my life busy. The boy that would walk to me to class in the morning and would wait for me after school. I go back to that school and am filled with memories of control and helplessness. You thought of me at random times during the day. You made feel wanted. Until you didn't.
A year passed before things became different. Where I was involved in organizations at school that made me happy. You were supposed to support me. Until you didn't. You started to get more frustrated and yell more. We got into more fights. I would do anything you wanted just so things wouldn't be mad at me. I began to remember the bad times rather than the good. Our relationship was becoming hostile. You would barely say two words to me if I said something the night before that upset you.
Until one day it got better. You became more accepting of who I was. You were trying to support what I was doing. I was speaking more without being of afraid. I was speaking my mind again. I was able to voice my opinions. Yes, you read that sentence right. I was forced to feel like I couldn't speak about my opinions in fear of getting yelled at. Until you didn't.
You blew up one day. You yelled at me in your truck for minutes that felt like hours. When trying to explain myself, you hurt me. My worst fear came to life. The one I told you way back when I started dating you. You hurt me. Physically and mentally. That day, I was never the same. I stayed with you 3 months after that day in hopes that things would get better. That you would apologize. The day I broke up with you was the scariest day of my life but it was that step I had to take.
Because of you, I never thought I would be loved again. I thought I would be criticized and made fun of for the way I was. The person I was. That I was worthless. Until the next day at school. I was back to being myself. My best friend saw something in me that she hadn't seen in a long time. When I was with you, I had never been so down on myself. Every day was a struggle to get out of bed. My dreams were better than the life I was living with you.
It's been almost four years. I have my life back to about where I want to be. I've talked through the experience I went through and coped with it. Because of you, I am stronger. I know exactly who I am is perfect the way it is. I will never change anything because of a guy, especially you.
Because of you, I know exactly who I want for the future. You narrowed my search if you will. You showed me that the MAN I end up with will treat me with respect and like a princess. Someone who will communicate and talk to me calmly instead of just yelling.
I am with a man that who treats me as I expect to be treated. He treats like the princess I never knew I was. Because you made me feel like I was less than that. Because of you, this is who I am. I am strong and loved and I know what I am worth. The aftermath was messy to clean up, but here I stand.