Hi, my name is Jordan, and I’ve been people pleasing for 21 years.
For my whole life, I’ve been almost conditioned to people please—something I think we’re all a little guilty of. In an attempt to lower my stress, I’ve tried to make the people around me as happy as possible, which in turn just stresses me out even more. So, as of today, I am admitting myself to people-pleasing-rehab and taking out some trash.
When you go to college, you learn a lot about yourself, about life and purpose, and about friendship. I always assumed that friendship was about pouring yourself into other people, and in a way it is. However, college has taught me that no healthy friendship is an IV, running one way and sucking the other person dry.
I recently assessed my life, where I’ve come from and who I am today, and realized that most of my friendships were IV’s, and I had given every drop of myself into other people without giving a drop back to fulfill my own needs. So, in the words of a good friend, it was time to do the chore I’d been forgetting: taking out the trash.
Prioritizing relationships and letting people go can be an extremely hard decision to make, especially for people-pleasers. However, I really think that knowing when it’s time to let go is essential for every person in his or her early 20’s to learn. After all, the friendships you make now will be there forever, so you have to make it count, and you don’t want to be a gross, dried out IV bag for the rest of your life.
So, here are five signs that your friendship is just baggage:
1. They never ask how you are.
This is something I really had to learn – If a person never asks how you are (and I mean genuinely, not just like a “hey, how are you” every now and again), they really aren’t your friend anyway. A real friend cares about you deeply, and should be interested in how you’re doing.
2. They never text or call first.
This is a big one. I once had a friend that I always had to text first, and eventually I just felt annoying. There are always busy seasons in people’s lives where they just won’t remember to text or call you, and that’s OK! But never making contact without being provoked just sucks, and it’ll literally suck you dry.
3. They never make the first move to hang out.
*ahem* Real friends like to be around their friends. If they aren’t interested in being around you, don’t run yourself ragged trying to chase them down.
4. They only want to hang out when something is wrong.
I once had a friend that would literally call me at 2:00 a.m. bawling her eyes out about A, B, and C problem almost every single night. As her friend, I would dutifully listen to her and console her. However, when I had a problem and needed a shoulder to cry on, she was suddenly nowhere to be found. We all know these people. At the end of the day, heed these words of advice:
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
5. They speak poorly of you behind your back.
This is probably the biggest, most important thing ever you can learn about friendships. For a lot of girls, gossip is just a part of friendship. However, I really, truly believe that a real friend won’t talk trash about you behind your back. You’re their friend, their ride or die through thick or thin. A true friend will consider the effect of their words on your friendship and your reputation.
Remember, no friendship is perfect. There will be times with we will all be selfish, rude, catty, or ignorant of the other person’s needs. However, people who consistently display these five attributes aren’t real friends; they’re just baggage.
I had better just say it before I revert to my people-pleasing ways; it’s over. It’s not you, it’s me…actually no, it’s totally, 100 percent you. And it’s finally time to do me.
