Breaking news:
In an unexpected turn of events, the future leader of the free world has been elected by popular demand seven months ahead of the scheduled inauguration for the first time in U.S. history. Last week, a special interest group made up of liberal and conservative extremists calling themselves NOPE (National Organization of People against regular Elections) occupied Capitol Hill, demanding that the 45th president should be elected early. When asked by the House of Representatives who they would choose, the group split in two as they chanted "Bernie" on one end and "Trump" on the other. When the crowd was asked about Hillary, there was a resounding silence that hummed across the group.
Unable to determine their candidate, a fight soon broke out, which is considered to be one of the most epic American-on-American battles since the Civil War. On the right, conservatives used their pickup trucks to store their weaponry, which included used beer cans, American flags, country music and guns in some instances. On the left, liberals used razor sharp vinyl and student debt bills to initiate a paper cut massacre. In some cases, Starbucks coffee was used as flaming projectiles.
Unconfirmed reports state that the fight lasted around 12 hours and didn't result in any casualties, as the group bickered more than actually initiating hand-to-hand skirmishes. One 17-year-old Instagram starlet (Allison21x0x0) managed to get the only recorded selfie, which will no doubt be kept in the history books. The teenaged girl managed to sneak into a skirmish between a camouflage-clad man in a conservative flag cap and a college student wearing a peacoat and fedora, sporting a goatee. Risking her life to take this selfie has now made her eligible for a variety of journalism awards, given that most journalists had been focusing on Taylor Swift's current love interest for the past month or so. Fortunately, she was able to upload the picture with the hashtag #MakeAnarchyGreatAgain, with over a billion likes before it was caught up by the crowd and destroyed. When interviewed earlier today, she said, "I'll get a new one. That was like my fifth account this year, anyway."
After hours of brawling, the riot was broken up by the valiant efforts of the Washington PD, thanks to FBI assistance, due to a lack of first responders on the WPD's part. Earlier that day, a truck driver was arrested by a low-level beat cop after he found white powder that seemed to be cocaine in the back of his truck. During the opening hours of the riots, half of the department was sent down, given that they had been trying to nail a cocaine ring that had been moving from the West to East Coast via truck drivers. As the riot progressed, K-9 units were investigating the truck as a large chunk of the officers involved with the case were writing arrest reports while also looking into the truck's cargo company. However, it was revealed during a press release earlier today that K-9 units had mistaken. The "cocaine" was actually just sugar. Looks like the dogs had missed their last feeding...
Once the fight had been broken up and members of NOPE were sent to opposite cell blocks in the county jail, the Secret Service was given the go-ahead to unlock the White House's lockdown protocol. When the riots broke out, agents locked Joe Biden, the President, his family, and the entire cabinet in the Oval Office with a Wii and Mario Kart to keep them entertained. Once the lockdown had been disengaged, the same agents that initiated it was treated to an Easter-like shock, as the Oval Office was empty and the Wii was taken along with it. A note on Obama's desk read, "I'm out of here, taking the Wii and my staff on a much-needed vacation. Enjoy whoever takes my place, whether it's Trump or Bernie, I'll sure be glad I'm not there." To confirm that Obama hadn't been kidnapped by rioters or a possible third threat, the CIA was called to check the premises. In the end, all they found were a few rejected bills, some old toys, and a sack of turnips in the President's kitchen and bedroom. Since the Capitol Riots, former President Obama has become a Bigfoot-esque myth, as people have seen him in exotic places like Cancun or Atlantis, but haven't been able to capture a clear picture. The clearest image we have is of him in a bucket hat holding a margarita in one hand and flipping off the camera with the other. Yesterday, CIA agents tracked down a possible lead on Obama's whereabouts, only to find a note saying, "It's your problem now, suckers," on his hotel dresser.
With no vice president or cabinet to elevate to the rank, the House faced, even more, pressure to elect a new leader before NOPE's imminent bail release, at which point the riots would surely just keep going. Yesterday, the House locked out any press/political entities outside of themselves and spent the day heavily debating who the new president should be. Donald Trump had a decent idea of addressing the problems America is facing at the time, but at the same time, he was an unpolished bully. Bernie Sanders, on the other hand, was much more of a class act than Trump; however, his ambitious mind made him a nightmare for Congress. After a full 14 hours of debate, one Senator came up with a genius plan.
Utilizing America's most keen scientific minds, the government put together a plan to make everyone, including the candidates, happy with the results. After getting a DNA sample from Bernie and Trump (another story for another day), the CIA brought together America's elite science communities to work. After about three hours, the CIA promptly fired them from the job... given that they had no idea what they were doing. With Plan A out the window, the government hired the keenest non-American scientific minds and put them to work on creating an amalgamation of the two most popular 2016 candidates. Hours of work resulted in a machine that could combine the DNA of both candidates and make them one whole person: Dernie Sandrump. The wisdom and ideals as Sanders with the same in-your-face attitude of Trump combined into one all-American president -- all thanks to a diverse group of individuals. This morning, Dernie was voted into office, ushering in an era of peace and prosperity among Americans for about five more minutes.
