Thanks to popular movies and books, when someone brings up the concept of “hearing voices” most people’s minds jump straight to schizophrenia, which in itself has a negative connotation. Most seem to imagine clearly defined, disembodied voices telling people to hurt other people; that the person hearing voices knows that it’s not them, as if a person’s head has a P.A. speaker in it. This is wrong on a number of accounts. The fisrt one is that not just people with schizophrenia hear “voices”. Those with bipolar disorder for example may experience delusions. In my case it’s OCD. It also not as easy as saying “voices”; as my mental illness suggests I don’t hear a clear cut “voice”. I feel compelled to do something, but because the feeling of compulsion is rather abstract and difficult to explain (plus it leads to actual thoughts) it is so much easier to say voices, despite the stigma around it. I also don’t know whether the compulsions and thoughts are solely my own or if they’re brought on by the illness. Many people who experience voices, delusions, or compulsions also don’t want to hurt others, it’s generally about self-harm. Now OCD is generally thought of as being a “perfectionists/ germ phobics’ ” disease; however it is an extremely individualized. My obsessions/compulsions include: intrusive self-harm thoughts, reassurance obsessions, obsessions about messing up. It has created a pretty nasty cycle in my life. It started off as the self-harm was a direct result of the OCD, other than that I was pretty content with life. As the years go on the lines become a little more blurry. When you’re constantly afraid of doing something wrong and you constantly need to be reassured about everything you eventually turn into a depressed, nervous wreck, even when I’m not having the obsessive thoughts (unless I have them nearly 24/7, but that’s what I mean about not knowing my thoughts from the intrusive ones).
OCD (especially the need for constant reassurance about everything) has led to an extreme anxiety disorder. It also becomes extremely easy for people to abuse my anxiety, something I unfortunately experienced over the course for the past year. And even when someone finally comes out and says that they were using my anxiety to isolate me from everyone and that everything they told me was a lie the damage is already done. I’m always more likely to believe the negative views of me over the positive and so the effects are permanent unless the people I was isolated from decided to constantly reassure me, which no one wants to do, and there is no guarantee it would work. The anxiety manifests itself has mostly social anxiety and so I always have thoughts that everyone talks to me because they take pity on me, because they feel they have to. It’s difficult for me to accept that there are people who genuinely like me and want to be around me. This level of isolation leads to the want to hurt myself outside of the OCD. The knowing that the feelings and compulsions will last my entire life leads to complete hopelessness. I have to create my own sense of love, beauty, compassion because I feel as though I’m lost from that world. I come off as perhaps cold and narcissistic because I am the only one who can keep the light going on in me, as dim as it might be some days and it is a fight that leaves me with little emotional strength for other things. One day I wish for the stigmas around mental illness to end, that one day I won’t feel weak for having them. That even when my entire world is crashing and burning all around me all the time that I won’t feel the need to keep it all to myself, that I won’t constantly be afraid that opening up will cause their world to burn too.
