I was never skinny. My body always knew extra large. I was the kid that could never seem to lose their baby fat. The kid that seemed so intimidating so people stayed away. They didn't care that I was always alone during recess or that I was always picked last in gym. They were scared because I didn't look like them. I will come to realize that I would never look like them. I am gentle and caring but no one knew that cause they would never even say "Hi" or a sympathetic head nod.

My body never got less then a Large. I know entire stores that don't carry my size. Shopping for clothes became a scavenger hunt for something cute but also something that fit, something that work my rolls in the right way or that was baggy enough to hid my stomach but not too baggy that I looked dumpy. I wanted to be like them so bad, sometimes I still do and I hate myself for that. There are nights where I sit on my bed and try to push in my stomach in attempts to push all the fat into the mysterious void, where I also scream.

However, let me make this clear, I am not "Plus Sized". I don't have the curves that form into hourglasses and pears. I don't fit into their definition of big. My rolls don't fit into their vision of curvy. When I see powerful "Plus sized" models breaking new grounds in the industry, I don't feel liberated or proud of my body. I am still ashamed of this body;people think I don't try to be healthy, that I need to get "in shape". But they don't know that I am eating healthy. I buy my own food with my pay check so I can eat a little healthier then what my family would provide. I go the gym but it never seems to be enough for these people. They will never know what it's like to have this body.

So I still hold my chin up, regardless of my shame,to make them believe that I don't care. It's funny because they believe it. They all think I am content with this body, a body that will forever be too big.