I am the girl who hates her body.
Every morning, I wake up, get ready for my day and afterwards, I stare into the bathroom mirror. Throughout my day, I stare at myself either through a mirror or my camera. Now, this would normally be a good thing except when I look at myself, I don't see anything worth liking. I take one look at myself and I tear myself apart to the point where I start to think that I don't have any good qualities about me.
All I see is a face with acne, a face that could definitely use a makeover, a face that needs a filter every time a selfie is taken. When I get dressed, I can't look at myself in the mirror because I'll doubt that I look decent. In my mind, everything makes me look fat. I can't go shopping at my favorite stores anymore because nothing ever seems to fit and trying on clothes only ruins my self-esteem.
I feel like I can't wear cute shirts like crop tops because I have a stomach that makes me look like I'm pregnant and I can't wear cute shorts because I feel like my thighs are too flabby. It is hard for me to wear tank tops or any shirt without sleeves because I feel like I am oddly proportioned.
A summer body? I have no idea what that is but I know that I definitely don't have one. I can't try on bikinis without thinking that I shouldn't even be wearing one. One-piece suits barely look right on me because the tightness of the suit makes my stomach stick out.
My schedule between being a full-time student and having two part-time jobs makes it hard to have a dedicated gym schedule, but I go when I can. However, since I can't go all the time, it is hard for me to lose weight. I try to diet every once in a while but it never really works out considering I don't exercise enough.
Now, let me clarify something. If I am being completely honest with you guys, I am 5 feet and 5 inches tall with a weight of approximately 160 pounds. I realize that I may not considered "fat" or "obese" but I look at myself and think that I could be skinnier. I look at all the acne treatment products I have and wonder why nothing works. I look at all the girls on social media and wonder why I don't look like that. The answer is so simple and obvious: I'm not those girls. I am who God made me and if he thinks I am perfect, then why shouldn't I think that too?
I don't need to be a "skinny", blonde, beach babe - or any type of babe. Even if my face is breaking out, I should still love who I am. Acne shouldn't define me. Having a little stomach bump shouldn't define me. I should be confident in anything I decide to wear, so I told myself I was going to change a little bit at a time.
When I look at my reflection in the mirror, I'm going to tell myself something positive. Whether that be a statement like "you look great today" or "be confident", I am going to try to not look at all the qualities that I don't like but rather embrace the ones that I do. I am going to work on being more confident because I believe that confidence is what makes you truly beautiful. The girls – big or small – who wear crop tops look great because they are confident with who they are! They believe they are beautiful so it doesn't matter what other people think. This is ultimately what I need to work on.
I was made who I was meant to be. I don't need to be "perfect", I just need to be my version of perfect. It shouldn't matter what other people think of me, if they are going to judge, then that is their own problem, not mine. My only task is to focus on being a better me and love myself for who I am. I shouldn't try to change, I should accept how I was made because the people who love me the most will always think I'm perfect and that is all I need. God, and my parents, gave me this body. It is time I start giving it the love and appreciation it deserves.
I am the girl who will try to no longer hate her body.