Spring break has passed and seeing everyone's pictures flashing their respective sorority hand symbols on the beach in bathing suits has reminded me of my own body confidence journey. Up until recently, I have been very very uncomfortable with my body and the way it looks. I thought with spring breaks still happening and the obsession with getting "bikini body ready" growing; it would be very fitting to write about my own struggle with body confidence in hopes of helping someone else.
Growing up, I considered myself a pretty active child. I participated in athletics for my school and participated in Irish dance which was pretty intense. I did all of these things, but I still felt fat. I hated my thighs and how they jiggled when I walked and I absolutely hated the shape of my legs. My family would tell me that I am just "big boned", but I did not understand why I couldn't be as skinny as some of the other girls I knew.
In the eighth grade, I sustained an injury that would keep me from Irish dancing anymore. I felt even more uncomfortable with my legs and felt as though I was gaining weight. Here's something to keep in mind as well: I love food, so of course I ate unhealthily from time to time. Moving on into high school, I began to nit-pick my appearance even more. I moved on from just disliking the shape of my legs, but also to hating my stomach, hips and certain aspects of my face. I would look into the mirror and lift my shirt up and suck in until I could not breathe in order to feel pretty. I would push my thighs together to see how much fat on my legs I would need to lose to get a thigh gap. I still wore two-piece bathing suits, but always felt like I was too fat to be in a two piece bikini. I felt that "girls like me" should be in a one piece. I refused to take pictures on the beach in my bikini and wore a cover up most of the time when around my friends.
This all only worsened when I got to college. I was struggling with anxiety and felt out of control. I sought to gain this control through how I looked. I was well aware that looking like a Victoria's Secret runway model was an unrealistic expectation for me, but I still was going to try my best; my main target: my legs and stomach. I would go some periods of time without eating, or would go a few days by drastically cutting out a food group or two. I would look in the mirror everyday and lift my shirt up to see if my stomach had gotten any flatter. I got very angry with myself if I ate too unhealthily and developed unhealthy behaviors to try and lose the weight.
About a month ago, I decided enough was enough. I realized that I was so worried about what others thought of me, that I was not trying to love myself for who I was. This sounds super cheesy, but every so often I would look in the mirror and tell myself at least two things I liked about myself. I am still working on my body confidence as I still have days where I feel bad about my body and myself, but I do believe it was necessary to make the change in how I see myself. I am growing to love all my 5 foot 4 inches, pear body type. I think that taking the steps to love myself allowed me to be happier and healthier in all aspects of my life. So wear that bikini if you want to, and eat pizza if you want to, because at the end of the day we are all beautiful no matter what number appears on the scale.
