If anyone who ganders upon this article is anything like me, it's safe to say, at the very least, half of your wardrobe is black. Having the witchy wardrobe, there are certain things you learn. LIKE, don't even think about going near a friend who needs their hair bleached and/or stripped of color. So, in all my infinite fucking wisdom, I keep a list of pet peeves and rules form someone who wears next to nothing but black.

1. You Never Have To Worry About Clashing

There are a few clothing rules my mother and sisters have instilled upon me. Some are basic. Don't wear jeans with rips up the ass in public, or don't think about wearing your garage jeans in public. Those fuckers are covered in grease and stains. The only place they belong is on your ass under the hood. One of the most basic is avoid clothing colors that clash. Don't pair together a bright carmine red and a brilliant cerulean assuming they match. Sorry to disappoint, but unless you have a giant S on your chest or are an Amazonian princess, not happening. Black is the ultimate none color clasher. Want to wear pink that day? Go right a-fucking-head because nothing will not match with black tights, boots, and sweaters.

2. There Is One Exception To No Clashing

Nothing drives me battier than off blacks. Clothing that has been worn, washed, and rewashed more times than the appendages attached to a polydactyl cat's mittens, front and back. In simplest terms, this absolutely sucks when going to pick out clothing of all the same color only to realize that they are not the same color by the most marginal of hues. Not everyone will notice this once a foot is set out the front door, but you will, ad that will be enough to bother all day.

3. Not All Blacks Are Created Equally

I have big feet. At 5'8'' and twenty one years of age, I have been rocking a size 11/12 foot since I was thirteen. Needless to say, many stores either carry limited selection, or refuse to stock my size at all. Because of this, I've had to turn to online shopping for footwear. One of my biggest online shopping peeves happened recently when I once again sacrificed a third pair of boots to the great deity that hangs out in the walk-in freezer at my work. I ordered a new pair of boots online, refusing to even try to find a pair in stores. When I ordered the pair from a well-known shoe chain, it said they were natural black. I was a little skeptical, but I refused to wear flats to work and either spill hot liquid on them, or risk soaking my feet in the rain, so I bought them. When they came in I was excited, and took the beads I pass from boots to boots off the ripped off sole pair and opened the package. Once I had the package open, much to my chagrin, they were grey. I couldn't believe it at first, double checking the order slip to see if I ordered wrong and then checking the shoe box to see if the wrong pair had been shipped. I hadn't and they hadn't been. It just so happened that this company's "black" was actually a dark grey. Given my large foot size though, I didn't send them back, and continue to still wear them. They're cute, and grey work with a lot of colors as well.

4. In Wednesday, We Trust

When I was younger, primary school fifth grade and forward to high school graduation, I wore dark colors. I got asked many of the labeling questions teenagers ask each other.

"Are you goth?" (6th grade)

"Are you emo?"(8th-10th grade)

"Do you self harm?" (One time that was followed by a swift "NO! What the Hell is wrong with you?!?! You don't just ask people questions like that?")

One of my favorites though, was and still is, (when people can bridge it) is "Are Wednesday Addams?"

No. I am not Wednesday Addams. Do I wish sometimes? Yes. However, bitch, I am Wednesday, Morticia, and Lily wrapped up in one dark ball of optimism and dry sarcasm. While I do not, I swear more than 97.8% of girls in black aspire to be the Ruby Gloom and Emily the Strange that has transcended time and made Christina Ricci a household name as a child. And as the male counterpart, "In Gomez We Trust."

5. Animals Gravitate Towards You

I swear NASA or the Ghostbusters, hell even the Mythbusters would suffice, but need to hop on this shit. A dog or cat could be dead asleep when you slip on the tights or hoodie. They could be on the other side of the room, house, whatever living situation they reside in and those fuckers could be in a coma with no chance of recovery, and they will magically spring awake to levitate towards your garment and drop their entire winter coat on your clothes. It's some form of magic or paranormal science, but without fail, it happens every time a furry little fucker is around.

I have two pets: a mini Texas Heeler, Remy, and a domestic rabbit I bought off the back of a truck in Alabama named Harvey (nicknamed Satan when he runs around his house at two in the morning). Both of which are black. The rabbit, completely black, and the puppy, mostly black with spots of white and spots on his muzzle. I did not randomly purchase these animals one fine February evening. When I was looking for an companion, I chose these guys in particular because of "Black Dog Syndrome." Refer to the article "Are Black Pets Less Likely to Be Adopted?" and the link below. Black Dog Syndrome points out that black animals are typically the last animals to be adopted and the first to be euthanized. However, when I was looking for a furry buddy, I went out of my way to look for the black dog in the corner, and the only black bunny in the box, who coincidentally also happened to be the chillest. In the case of dark animal fur, you luck out though when they gravitate towards you because of your own midnight armor.

... Unless you're decked out in pastels. In that case, you're fucked and don't even bother trying to borrow my clothes.

More info on Black Dog Syndrome check out in Time.