Empty. Lonely. Worthless.
Depression in three words.
Emptiness leads to apathy, because feeling nothing is better than feeling miserable. Apathy leads to loneliness, because feeling nothing makes you keep to yourself. And feeling alone leads to worthlessness, because how can you have worth, if you're not letting anyone see who you truly are.
It sounds so dramatic, but it's the honest to God truth.
Depression always seemed like a joke to me, like an excuse to be lazy. It seemed like a hoax, something people used to get attention. And sometimes it is. But usually, it's not.
It's funny, because depression shows no prejudice like I used to think it did. Depression couldn't care less if you're the bubbliest person most people know, or if you get straight A's and have a lot of friends. It doesn't care if you grew up in a loving family and if you have Jesus in your heart. Depression just doesn't care about you at all.
Depression makes you cry. Unexpectedly and in the most unideal places. Sometimes you can hold off until you make your way home or to a bathroom stall, but sometimes you can't. So people see you cry and you feel even worse.
Depression deceives you. It makes you believe you're better off alone. So you withdraw. From everything and everyone. You become a recluse because it's better for everyone that way, you can't bring other down that way.
Depression changes you. You think and act in ways you never in a million years thought you would. Maybe you drink a little more than you used to. Maybe you never leave your bed. Perhaps you eat enough food for someone twice your size. Or maybe you hurt yourself. But however it changes you, it's never for the better.
Depression takes over slowly, because if it didn't you would know to get help right away. But depression is too smart for that. One day you feel a little off, but you shake it off. A few weeks later you want to cry and you have no idea why. Before you know it you can hardly concentrate long enough to complete a simple task and you're holding a blade to your skin because you need to feel something.
And then you look in the mirror and you realized the worst part about depression; It makes you forget who you are. Your smile doesn't look right anymore, your eyes don't sparkle, you're body is there, but you're empty. You look at yourself and you don't see you anymore. All you see is this deranged version of yourself. Everything around you seems perfect, but you're stuck. In a world full of color, all you see if black.
If this is you, don't ignore it. And if this is someone you know, definitely don't ignore it. You aren't empty, you aren't alone and you are so SO not worthless. Bad days won't ever completely go away, that's just a fact of life whether you're depressed or not, but better days will come.
Find your people and don't let go of them. Let them carry you when the weight on your shoulders is too heavy. Cry to them, talk to them, let them in. You need them.
Try counseling. I know this one is kind of hard because A) it's expensive and B) you'll feel like a total lunatic the first time you go. But gosh, you'll feel so much better when you leave.
Find a doctor you trust. Let them talk you through your options. Maybe you don't want to try medicine (I didn't at first because again, I thought I was admitting I was crazy), and that's okay. But figure out what some options for you are from someone who knows how to care for you.
From someone who knows all of this all to well, keep on keepin' on.
