August 10, 2015, I got a ride to the ER, was evaluated and sent to a psych unit where I stayed for one month. During my stay, I received three new diagnoses, including Bipolar Disorder II. I have also been diagnosed with Anxiety N.O.S. (not otherwise specified), OCD, ADHD, and PTSD. I am coming up on the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. Throughout this time, I have learned many things about my diagnoses and about living with a mental illness. Out of all of those things, I have learned the biggest has been this: learning to live with a mental illness takes you through the five stages of grief.
The five stages of grief in order are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They are traditionally known as a normal reaction to the loss of a loved one. When receiving a serious mental illness diagnosis such as Bipolar Disorder, you do lose a loved one. You lose the version of yourself you had always known and the future you had always wanted.
People who do not struggle with mental illness don't realize how much you lose when you receive the diagnosis. I lost a lot having the illness itself due to having to manage the symptoms. They make things difficult, like working and keeping a job, and maintaining friend and family relationships. While those in themselves are hard enough, carrying around the diagnosis of Bipolar and the stigma that comes with it makes life even harder. So many dreams I grew up having will be almost impossible, and in some cases just no longer attainable. Until I can get a hold of my disorder, and possibly even after, things like being a full-time student, entering the military, becoming a cop, and adoption are off the table. I am forced to find new dreams, and with that, I begin the grieving process of who I was and who I always wanted to be,
I would love to be able to walk through the five stages with you and how they affect me, but the truth is, I don't know all of them yet. Right now, I am moving on from denial and into anger. I'm angry at myself for being broken, the doctors for telling me so, and to God and life for not accommodating my illness in the way I wish it could. This world is not mental-illness friendly and everything makes me furious. I stopped taking my medication because I was in denial that they were doing anything besides keeping me dependent on the doctors and because I was so incredibly angry that I had to take them. I hate the doctors for hospitalizing me and giving me these problems. I'm angry at my parents for not getting me help sooner and for leaving me to find help on my own. I can't help but believe that if I got help in elementary school when the depression started, that my Bipolar wouldn't ever have developed. I am furious at everyone who never got me the help that I cried out for and I am furious at God for taking everything away from me. This is not the life I wanted or deserve.
So here I am, stuck in my anger and hating everything and everyone, and I despise it. Still, there is part of me that has to hold onto a little hope. Hope that my anger will turn into bargaining, Hope that I will move through the depression and straight to acceptance, and then I will begin making new dreams.
I write this to share my struggle with you, but also to let you know that know matter what you are grieving, it is a process. It's okay to struggle, it's okay to deny the situation and to be so angry you don't know what to do. It's okay as long as you move through it. You will hate everything, but soon you won't. When that day comes for me, I will write about it, and try to help guide you through it. Until then, I am angry, and that is okay.
Don't beat yourself up for going through the process, just work through it and know that it is okay not to be okay.
