I am complicated, not simple; not cookie cutter, or basic, or like the rest. I am unique, one of a kind, never before seen and never to be seen again. I am not perfect, I am far from it. I have my ups and downs; I ride an emotional roller coaster of life without any safety straps. When my emotional coaster rises up, I fly high. When my emotional coaster comes down, I crash and burn.
This is a life of two extremes: bipolar emotions tugging against the equilibrium of a sane individual. I often question my sanity through this constant tidal friction of my energies. Pulling this way or that way, stretching my feelings and insights, highs and lows, positive and negative. They are both me.
As I sit and reflect, I like to compare my life to that of our orbiting moon. Like the moon, I too go through phases of change. Life brings new challenges, new changes which aren’t always fair. I, too, lose myself to the dark side of the moon, to the dark thoughts which plague my soul.
The thing is, it is easy to put on a mask and wear it around and try to cover up what is going on. But the mask is only there to be seen from the perspective of an observer. Just like the perspective of everyone on Earth, we often see the moon shining bright, but when one changes the angle of observation, it is only an illusion. The dark side of the moon is always there, in opposition to the light.
My whole life I dealt with trials of depression, often falling into the dark hole of an abyss. I’ve dropped before, cast myself into oblivion and thrown all regard aside for life in order to escape it. That temptation is real, it is powerful and it is a lie. Depression works its way into your mind like an infestation; it starts small and latches on. If one isn’t careful to take care of it properly, in time it will consume you. The fires of self hate burn and scorch our mind with the pain of envy and self pity. It is a spiraling staircase with which has no end. Into the abyss you fall deeper and deeper, you reach a point from which you can no longer look away, and pretend it is not there. The fire consumes you, staring into the depths of your own mind, your reality is hell.
Our demons know us here. They have always known us, they have been with us our whole life. Every step of the way they watch, waiting in the shadows of our psyche for an opportunity to rip us apart. Limb by limb, molecule from molecule we are destroyed. Every negative emotion we have ever felt, every negative thought which took a hold of us is here waiting to meet again. There is no one who can save you now, as the carnage unfolds.
Life is a game of choices, we can choose to listen to our demons, to allow them to rip our heart out and consume our soul. We can give in to self pity, to envy, to hate and darkness. We can question how this happened to us and give into our bitterness before letting go of any life lines. This is your choice, and yours alone. Listen closely, however, because one can only tread water alone for so long, as exhaustion will set in.
It is your choice to stop the spiral because at any one moment you can decide to turn your life around. At any one moment, you can save yourself, look up and see where you came from. That door is forever gone, it is a part of your story but as you look around you will quickly realize that the spiral down, has always been a spiral up.
Have you ever stopped to think about the way your life turned out? That if you hadn't gone through certain events, struggles and personal battles you wouldn’t be who you are today? This is your story, and this depression from which you have descended into is not a descending at all. It has always been your destiny, it has always been in the books for you to experience. You come to the point where you face your demons for what they and you are. In this moment from which you chose to except your fate, you are liberated. Depression is no longer an abyss from which we fall into; it is transcended into a way of realignment, a way to change the direction of our goals and interests.
Keep pushing through, force yourself to face the abyss, see it for what it is and then let go. You can overcome these trials because they are going to make you strong enough to reach your full potential. Look back from where you came, then turn back around and stare deep into the fires of hell knowing that through torment, lies your salvation. Through this pain now you transcend your limits.
