For anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder please know you are NOT alone. You will find a way to recovery. Believe in yourself. Food doesn't have the power over you anymore.
Find help if you are seeking to change the way you are living. Find help because it is the best thing you will ever do for not only yourself but your heart and mind and future.
I remember when I was 12 years old and the doctor told me I was obese for my age. When I stepped on the scale and the number 155lbs appeared he told me that horrific sentence. That was when, "Let me just grab a bag of chips, two Sprites, some chocolate, that leftover dinner, and that'll be it for the whole day," became the intro to binge eating.
Every morning I woke up to say to myself "I only had one meal... I can't wait to lose the weight!" That was my happiness. Besides my normal chocolate Nesquick drink I had for breakfast, I would go the whole school day without consuming a single thing. I would lie, place my hand over my stomach, and say I didn't feel good when I had to grab lunch.
I remember my mom cooked my favorite dinner and I skipped it because I already ate too much when I got home. It was like my mind was waiting for that binge moment that turned into self-hatred and self-contentment because I ate only one meal and that was the thing that would lead me to lose weight.
I thought I found the secret formula, I thought internally suffering and trying to find acceptance for this routine I was doing could somehow work. But, as any binge, I fell into a really bad depression and found that I couldn't control this thing that I once controlled.
Food became my worst enemy. It became another person who I found comfort in but knew I was getting trapped.
I played sports during jr. high and, let me tell you, this binge thing took a toll on me once sports became apart of my life. I couldn't keep up and somehow I would find myself eating more and more. Even though I starved, my binges became bigger meals during that one time I gave myself to eat.
I really escaped any feeling I was having by the stress of everything going on. I just turned to food and it became my best friend.
There came a point in my life where when I woke up I wasn't happy with who I was and what I became. I would of rather not of woken up to have the thought of food come to my mind. This formula didn't work and I got mad at myself for it not working.
I made excuses and blames myself for having it not work. When in reality, I shouldn't have blamed myself.
I hid this for so long and one day I had to find a way to end this relationship I had with binge-eating. I had to because my body fought to talk to me and I just thought it was stupid for thinking the way it did. But, I had to finally listen. I had to not let that trick dive into my brain to win over and over.
My mind became a battleground with it.
I still struggled with binge-eating months and years after trying to not let it come back. I tried to find the strength to not slip back. But, in the darkest moments, it greeted me with a loving hello with a deceiving plan.
During this time of finally "being a recovering binge-er," I got social media and years later I got an Instagram. I started to follow social media influencers at some point. I wanted so bad to find how to have a healthy relationship with food. I wanted to find solid ground and lay to rest that old self I was.
I stumbled across a girl named Julie Ledbetter. I saw her posts on macro counting and I wondered what it was.
As days went by and I saw her posts on her journey with macro counting, I wanted to make a change. I knew any day I could go back to bingeing and gaining weight. I knew if I turned back I would be long gone.
So, one day I reached out. I had many questions, reservations, and I straight up did not believe that this could work. I went back and forth with wanting to start it to justify continuing trying to find that healthy relationship by myself.
However, sometimes in life, you HAVE to jump to see the change you want to try but are scared to take. You have to jump to realize that you do have a parachute. So, when I received my macros I had to commit.
I remember looking in the mirror and saying to myself that I could do this. I had three weeks with one number and then I upped my macros. I did a reverse diet because my metabolism wasn't too good because of my ED.
This might sound silly, but when I found out that I could eat a donut I was so shocked. I felt as if the food that was bad brought me back to the binge... But, I taught my mind to understand that if it fits in my numbers I could eat what I wanted without feeling guilty.
I found somewhat hope in this new thing I was trying. I learned self-growth in this process. I learned how to start loving my body and myself.
In all of this, I found a way. I found a way despite my past tempting me. I found a way to create a new outlook on food. I found a way to balance. I found a way to finally be happy with the food.