When I was in middle school, I remember sitting around at lunch, eating my pb&j with my best friends as we blabbered on about boys and superficial junior high gossip.

"I would never kiss somebody unless I was with them for six months," I proudly pronounced.

Surrounded by nodding heads, all 11-year-olds at the table agreed that was the perfect timing.

When I was a freshman in high school and had my first kiss, it was with somebody I wasn't dating.

This example, though on a less severe scale, was the first time I recognized my betrayal of past values. How come younger me so strongly believed in holding back a kiss, but older me had no hesitation to give it away? It was simply growing, maturing and adjusting my definitions of right and wrong.

When college and high school came around, the realization of betraying who I imagined I was became a constant thought and consistently it became harder to understand why. These thoughts tormented me to no end.

For all four years of high school, I was "straight edge." This means I refrained from smoking cigarettes, doing any drugs and drinking alcohol. Part of this decision was my involvement with a sober extracurricular in which I was an alcohol, tobacco and other drug (ATOD) free leader, part was my experience with addiction in my family.

Such a large part of my being was finding my own happiness in myself; I defined myself as somebody who was above the influence. I was proud of this. I thought it made me strong-willed and mature. I was a role model for so many friends and strangers. My sober friends and I showed people that you can live a happy, fulfilled life without altering your reality and harming your body. This was who I was. And I thought so deeply, so strongly that this was who I was going to remain for the rest of my life.

With every relationship I had in high school, I kept my boundaries. I never went "all the way" with anybody. I never thought I needed to. I didn't want to be known to sleep around, I didn't want to have a long list of partners. I thought this added to my strong will and made me a better person. Together, I thought refraining from a certain lifestyle made me a more well-rounded and education driven student.

This is the person people knew me as. This is who I was. So much heart went into these values, to stay above the influence and to be smart sexually. I made day-to-day decisions based on these exact morals.

When I graduated, everything seemed to change. Who I am now betrayed every belief and value that I once had. And that scared me.

I found myself drinking more, wanting to drink, enjoying drinking. I attended parties and visited colleges and got drunk for the first time, the second time, the third time and on. I smoked for the first time, I found myself enjoying it. I ended up giving my whole self to somebody.

I became the person I never thought I'd be. I betrayed myself, the worst person you can betray.

People noticed and people commented. "I thought you were straight edge? I thought you were more responsible."

I found, and still occasionally find, my body weighed down with immense guilt. I think of those who have looked me in the eyes and told me how I am a role model for being sober, for being responsible. I think of all those lives and all those friendships based upon who I was and what I used to value. Those faces, those eyes; they all haunt me.

"Will they no longer look up to me because of what I've done? Will people look down on me? Will they not love me anymore? What would my parents think? Could they ever trust me again? I can't tell anybody, I can't let that many people know. Who am I? What do I want in life? Why is it so dramatically different than how it was? Why do I hate myself so much for these decisions I've made? Who have I become?"

The thoughts would tornado in my mind, morphing into storms of more self-hatred and more guilt. I hated who I became. I was guilty for all the decisions I made. I betrayed myself, but I also thought I betrayed everybody else in my life. This is not who I am, but then why am I making these decisions?

I still get emotional thinking about my self-betrayal. I still get emotional thinking of those I thought I let down.

But, what I couldn't see for so long, was that I didn't let anybody down. I only let myself down by constantly bullying myself for the decisions I had made.

Those years I spent valuing sobriety did not go to waste, and I did not lose them. They made me into who I am today. I would never go back in time and change what I valued. I look back and think of myself as strong and I think I have remained that way. Though I make different decisions, I am as strong as ever, responsible as ever and mature as ever. I am still a role model, I am still loved.

I'm sorry I didn't remain the person you knew me as, but please know I am still me. I'm learning to love the person I am now, please do the same.

My values have changed. I have experienced new things, entered a new phase of my life and I only betray myself when I allow guilt to destroy myself. I don't deserve that. You don't deserve that. My old values did not make up who I was. They were only a symptom of who I am. I am still the same person, I am an even better person now.

I look at those changes of value and I am also able to reflect on other phases of change. How I have acknowledge my selfishness, acknowledged my flaws. These changes are the changes I should focus on.

How horrible to live a life where you hate yourself for who you've become, where you regret necessary changes that occurred, to live a life tainted by guilt.

Eleven-year-old me would gasp at my first kiss. Nineteen-year-old me laughs at 11-year-old me. Nineteen-year-old me looks at that 11-year-old and sees everything else she was: sarcastic, funny, empathetic, and I continue to see all that good in 19-year-old me.

I am OK with betraying myself. My own acceptance is the only acceptance I need, your acceptance is the only acceptance you need, you're not being fair to yourself for allowing guilt to swallow you. With changes in values, comes changes in heart, allowing for new experiences and new good to be brought into your life and to help you grow. You're still the same you, and nothing can change that.