I used to spend a lot of my free time dreaming up the perfect partner. In high school, it was about a particular person being my perfect partner. Six months ago, I went from happy in love with that particular person to being depressed that I would never find love again.

Holding on to the idea of meeting "the one" and only focusing on being in a relationship can be destructive and toxic to a person's happiness. Dating makes this a lot worse. There's nothing more disheartening then going on date after date and not feeling that spark. The experts, a.k.a those who are already in love, suggest that the best way to find love is to stop looking for it. And as I've recently realized, my life isn't defined by my relationships, and being single now or even for the rest of my life isn't a big deal.

The other night one of my single girl friends and I were discussing our love lives. Both of us came to the conclusion that if we never find someone, we'd be content owning land and raising a family of animals and babies together. The traditional heterosexual norm of a man and a woman raising a family for the rest of their lives is a family style that doesn't have to be the ultimate goal. What's wrong with raising a family and finding a life partner in your best friend? There's a lot of freedom in coming to terms with not needing that kind of lifestyle and ultimately being "single" for the rest of your life. Regardless of "if" I find someone, realizing that life won't be lonely just because I'm not in a relationship makes being single that much easier.

That jives with something else I've been thinking about when it comes to being single. The traditional hetero-normative lifestyle of two people is limiting. When I've thought about being in a relationship, it's always been with one person, and for the rest of my life. With life expectancy being longer, and divorce being prevalent, mating with someone for life is unrealistic. More likely, non-monogamy or polyamory will suit the people who don't want to be confined to one relationship.

Being single makes me stronger as a person. It takes the burden of needing someone to fill all of my emotional and physical needs out of the equation, which allows for my friends or short-term acquaintances to fill the gap. In return, a more "communal" style of living and relationship emerges. It's about being able to move freely through your social circles giving and receiving love.

My center of happiness is in this ability to connect with friends and family more. When I was in a relationship, my center of happiness rested in the person I was with. If we were good, I was good; but when we were fighting or when I felt unloved, the happiness I had dwindled. Romance and fairy tales make it seem like losing yourself in another person is the best thing that can happen to you. The danger of losing yourself in one person is that you give over your ability to disengage and stay sane. Happiness is fleeting rather than constant.

There is nothing more scary to me in my adult life than falling in love at this moment. I've lost that need, because history has shown me that it is easy to lose myself in a person and feel trapped by my emotions and jealousy. Being single now or forever isn't scary. I already have plenty of "life partners" in my friends and in my family. It's my hope that if a person does take the role of romantic partner, they will be an addition to that circle, and not the center.