Living with anxiety sucks already, but when you combine a competitive sport into the mix, it gets worse. I recently experienced an anxiety attack during competitive play, and unfortunately I had to withdraw. The problem is that no one who doesn't have anxiety really understands what to do when an attack happens. Anxiety, for me, comes at such random times that it is honestly very scary. Plus, I have asthma, so the anxiety attack just adds on to not being able to breathe. I was laying on the ground, crying, gasping for air, dry heaving, and it took a trainer who had experience dealing with anxiety attacks to calm me down. I'm writing this article to try to help people understand what happens when an anxiety attack happens on the playing field.
Anxiety begins for me when I start playing poorly. I beat myself up so harshly that my mind starts to freak out. I can't think straight, and that's when it starts to trigger my asthma. Not only can I calm my thoughts, but I can no longer control my breathing either. My brain then goes to freaking out because I'm not getting oxygen. That's when things get rough, and no one understand how to help. Really, the only way I can prevent it is to make my mind refocus on the game. If I fail to do this, then I lose control of my emotions and my breathing.
Calming down is the most crucial part. Honestly, I have to have someone who will calm me down. When asked, "What is wrong? What happened?" I freak out even more. Fanning my face has a super calming affect when I can't breathe, and comments like "You're okay. Just try to breathe. Take your time," have the strongest effect to get my brain to settle down. I know that calming thoughts are hard for anyone witnessing an anxiety attack or an asthma attack, but it is extremely important to get every one to calm down.
Luckily, I can sort of tell when my anxiety level is going up. This last time I was able to warn my coach before it happened. It is just difficult to know how to prevent it once I know it might happen. I guess that is when I need to have confidence in my ability to make a good shot, not strike out, not let my team down, and to not let myself down. Just when I am trying to process all that and stay positive or confident, and then I continue to play badly and disappoint myself, that is when I lose myself to the anxiety.
It sucks because I beat myself up pretty badly for not playing like I know I can. That is my main cause of anxiety, not playing to my potential. I feel like a disappointment to my team, my coach, my parents, and myself. They tell me that it is not my fault, that anxiety could happen to anyone, but when you actually have anxiety, it is difficult to clear your mind and believe that they mean it. I was sitting on the ground with my head tucked between my knees, gasping for air, and the only thought going through my head was, "I am a failure. I am holding up the tournament. I let everyone down because I am not in control right now."
After calming down, I know that everyone was worried about me, but those thoughts still linger in my mind. I do not know when it might happen again. I think the first step in overcoming it those is admitting to myself that I am an athlete with anxiety. The next step is believing that people are not always disappointed in me, and that they just want what is best for me. The final step is trying to overcome it when it happens and not bow out of the race. This was a very sensitive article for me to write, but I just want people to understand that anxiety is real, and it is very scary, but we must be prepared for it at any time.
