I’m not your traditional college student. I came to Liberty University residentially for my freshman year in 2011, then transferred to online in 2012, all before returning back to campus this past August. And, in the process of being an online student and failing some classes, on top of transferring back to residential, it left me being a year behind. So, as I take my victory lap and draw out my college education an extra year, I’ve come to the realization that sometimes traditions aren’t necessarily the best way to go about things. Every person is different, requiring a specific and unique plan to ensure he or she has the most success and take away the most from his or her experiences.
During the three years that I took online classes, I moved around a few times, working in ministry and serving on student and college ministry staffs in Virginia and Georgia. God allowed me to serve as an intern in two amazing churches, and as a student pastor in another amazing church. I was further able to observe how interesting and intriguing untraditional operation in life really is. Had I not decided to be untraditional and follow The Lord’s leading, I would have never learned half the knowledge I have now. Ultimately, this is the guidance that brought me back to Lynchburg.
Now, don’t get me wrong - traditions are important. Family traditions regarding holidays, birthdays and other gatherings are extremely valuable. Following and holding to religious traditions within the church is extremely important. The traditions I’m talking about are the societal expectations that have become normalized, even though they aren’t necessarily beneficial or actually rooted in reason.
Here at Liberty, there’s an unwritten, unspoken tradition that promotes romantic relationships, and seemingly condemns you if you aren’t pursuing one or involved in one.
It’s better known as the “Ring By Spring” philosophy: you find the guy/girl of your dreams while here at the world’s largest Christian university, and by the spring semester of your senior year, you are either on the giving or receiving end of an engagement ring. Sounds quite romantic, am I right?
In reality, it’s an overblown, unrealistic tradition that the Christian culture here at Liberty has imposed on those individuals who just aren’t ready for marriage by the time the expectation says they need to be.
While I never got the chance to share it with my students, I wrote a 6-part sermon on relationships, based on my mistakes and the things I wish I had done differently. Successful relationship-building is something that I feel very passionate about and is one of my biggest focuses when I give advice to those who ask for help. Relationships, whether romantic or platonic, are vital and necessary for a meaningful life to happen. At my last church, one of our core values that drove our mission was, “You Can’t Do Life Alone.” And there is so much truth to that idea. So, in no particular order, here are some concepts and ideas I’ve had in order to break the standard of Christian relationships and be untraditional, yet get the most out of your relationships.
1. Work on you
We’ve all heard the famous line, “Guard your heart.” If you’ve grown up going to church, specifically during your teen years, you’ve probably been told that you need to guard your heart when pursuing a relationship with the opposite sex. And it’s great advice when used in the proper context.
In the New International Version, Proverbs 4:23 states,
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
The English Standard Version states in a different way:
“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.”
The bottom line here is to protect what you let enter into your hearts and minds content-wise. That means we have to limit our exposure to the erotic, the profane, and anything that is a tempestuous vice for us. It all boils down to the concept of integrity. If you don’t have integrity, then you lose the troublesome battle of fighting the flesh, and the work you’ve tried to accomplish to make yourself better goes out the window.
2. Don’t settle
Our intellectual minds know this concept. Don’t settle for a person whose availability is a 10, but whose character is a 2. We know that we need to wait for the person who is a 10 both respects. But, when it gets kinda lonely and the desperation sets in, your heart blurs the concept of waiting for someone who meets your standards, and the available person wrongly becomes your focus. Settling is never a good thing in relationships. It’s compromise at its core. While it might seem rough, this analogy holds some truth - you would never compromise on quality when buying a computer or other products, so why would you compromise on a relationship that’s meant to be preparation for a life-long commitment?
3. Be patient
Patience isn’t easy. I’ve always heard that patience is the one thing that God automatically gives you when you pray for it. It isn’t a passive waiting, but an active choice to do something with your wait that is more than just sitting around and being on the lookout for "the one." It includes pursuing that person when they do come along. Rushing the pursuit marginalizes and diminishes the build-up and preparation for your relationship. The work done prior to declaring exclusivity is so vital to how the rest of the relationship will go due to the friendship you’ve built, so be patient and take your time.
4. Be careful who you let advise you
When I’ve started “talking” to potential girlfriends, I’ve witnessed people come out of the woodworks just to give me advice. I barely knew these people’s names, let alone knew their credibility and reliability when it came to relationship advice. One thing I’ve learned is to be very particular about who we listen to for relationship advice. My biggest recommendation of who to turn to in these situations is your pastor and his wife. Married couples are the best people to talk to about relationships because they’ve been there before. They've made mistakes. Your pastor and his wife are the best people to listen to because they not only have the experience, but they are spiritually mature and can help guide you based on biblical principles.
5. Enjoy the ride
If you’re so very focused on the end goal of marriage, you’re going to miss all the great things that happen along the way. While we understand the concept that we’re never promised tomorrow, living by that concept in order to rush a relationship will harm everything you’ve done within it. Patience, just like we discussed earlier, is key even after you’ve declared exclusivity. Just like when you took road trips as a kid, asking “Are we there yet?” of your mom and dad every 10 minutes, your parents responded with something like, “Not yet. Just enjoy the ride.” And you knew that enjoying the ride meant taking in the sights, billboards, and landmarks that you passed. Everything you do in your dating relationship is preparation for marriage, and when your perspective is just getting to the altar, you gloss over the little things. So, don’t be so concerned with the end goal. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. Pay attention to the little things, be spontaneous, and simply enjoy the winding, curvy line that connects point A to point B6. Be clear
In a day and age where casual interaction and non-committal games have dominated our culture, there’s less and less emphasis on clarity. The joke on social media platforms about hanging out and letting whatever happens happen is perpetuated in the question of, “Netflix and chill?” All our culture wants to do is have a friend with benefits, where there’s no definition nor any commitment. It’s counterproductive when discussing relationships, where there’s a mutual commitment to work on what we have with another person. One of the people we as a staff at my last church listened to and were coached by was Chris Sonksen, who said, “To be unclear is to be unkind.” And it’s true even in romantic relationships. You’re hurting the person you have feelings for when you don’t state your intentions. Be clear and upfront with how you feel. Don’t play games and flirt around with the idea of starting a relationship if you feel like this person is who you want to date. Stating your intentions with clarity will help that person see behind the curtain and that you’re being vulnerable in order to let them in. If it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out. You can’t fault yourself for being clear, so don’t be afraid.
If you’re a Liberty student reading this who might have felt the pressure and urgency to give or get a ring by spring, I challenge you to be untraditional. Break the status quo and be different. Above all else, follow what God wants for you, not what your fellow classmates are pushing you to do.
