Today as I sat in the library and attempted to appear intrigued with an overly expensive and excessively unexciting textbook, I formed a habit of scanning the room to see if anyone was looking over at me. I soon realized that the only person looking at anyone else was me. I was hastily harsh on myself for being so insecure that I care if these people look at me. Or maybe it's the opposite, I ponder, it's my vanity. Perhaps I'd like these people to be looking at me to somehow remind me that people care about me. It could even be that I care about these people for some reason; I care if they look over at me or continue to work. "Is insecurity just caring?" I ask myself. I brush off my attempt at being too philosophical too early in the morning, but it was too late to drop the subject, because eventually my looking around provoked others to look back at me. True insecurity would cause me to believe that these people were looking to scare me away; "If this crazy b*tch doesn't keep her eyes to herself i swear," but some part of me thinks maybe my glances somehow showed them I cared about their mere existence, so they momentarily cared about mine. Like that moment when someone drops their phone and everyone checks to see if it's okay. Or when a stranger sneezes and you say "bless you." Any situation where you acknowledge someones existence rather than let their appearance in your day be a passing cameo, I define as caring. Caring opens you up to the world. It makes you vulnerable. Which is why I think caring, in all of its forms, is an insecurity.

Now, I'm full of assumptions (and a Starbucks frap) when I make all of these statements, so do forgive me if you find one with which you don't agree. Anyway, as I come to these conclusions in my comfortable but temporary territory in the library, my mind wanders while I wonder, "But if something so kind is an insecurity, why are most people ashamed to be insecure?" That's when it hits me. Everyone has entirely different and complex insecurities, along with motives for each of them. So of course we fear the judgment of others, for it's quite possible they don't understand why we are the way we are. Duh. But here's the cool thing, the only good thing that comes with being insecure is that you know why you are the way you are. You get to decide. If you're unsure of yourself in some way, then you have all the time and understanding in the world to figure it out and fix it. It's like making an ideal version of yourself in your head and picking out what comes in between you and your idealistic idol. SO, be secure in your insecurities. They're what make you strong. What make you work on yourself, for yourself. A constant to-do list on how to improve.

The more I grow older and more adult, the more I see what true adult life looks like. No one cares what you're doing expect for you, and you should just do what you need to do and not expect anyone else to care. But, if you go with the status quo, and only worry about yourself, how will anyone know how magnificent you are? With my parting words, I encourage you to not only be aware of yourself, but be aware of the world around you. Be pleased with yourself so you can please others. And if you ever sit alone and are overthinking in a library, dare to care and continue to stare.