I'm not the first to write about anxiety, nor will I be the last. I'm not the first to experience it. I'm not the first to be in denial and just want to "cheer up." I'm not the first to have to bear excruciating worry over the smallest of things. I'm not the first to have to tell a doctor that it's incredibly hard for me to be happy and stress-free about anything. I'm not the first to try to mask my pain by doing things I wouldn't normally do. I'm not the first, but there is one thing that makes my case unique. I'm a fairly strong-willed person and it's extremely hard to admit that something is going on.
A fair amount of people with anxiety would be slightly lacking in motivation or experience some lethargy accompanied by sadness. This doesn't fit me. It almost makes me angry at myself to not be enthralled by some of the great things I have in my life. I feel sad but not about life in general. I'm sad that I know others feel just like me as well and it frustrates me more than anything. I still have the motivation to do all the things I want and I keep myself very busy. This is very difficult to juggle. On one hand, I still do everything I want, but I also stress about every aspect of those things and it most often takes the fun out of it. I always worry about the "what ifs" and the improbable and wonder why. I get angry about why I feel that way and the cycle continues.
Being a normally "tough" person leads me to struggle extra with anxiety in more than just the ways that I mentioned before. First, I bottle everything up terribly. Whenever I feel sad or upset, it angers me that I feel that way and I have the "suck it up" mindset. Time after time of being upset, I never tell anyone or get it off my chest. This also leads to the vicious cycle of worrying and stressing more because of the never ending stack of problems I hold onto. Second, I often put on a front when I'm upset. This is where the idea of toughness comes in. As a male, we are taught to not show weakness or be scared. I do believe that there are a lot of things that this applies to in life, and I like to think that I do this pretty well. However, dealing with anxiety is not the time to be tough. From my experience over the course of about a year now, trying to be tough is the worst thing to do. Instead of dealing with it, I pawn it off until I break and it kills me.
If there is anyone reading this that feels like I do, please don't feel like you need to be tough and get through it by yourself. If you need someone, you can reach out to me or anyone you feel would listen. From my experience, I know how awful it is, and I don't wish it on anyone. Be better than me and don't be ashamed. There's only shame in not making yourself happier when you can.
