For years, I always struggled with my appearance. I never thought I was pretty enough, skinny enough, toned enough, tan enough, or enough in general. It was very hard for me to feel like I fit in with all the girls that surrounded me because I didn’t and I knew it. I have curves (I’m Latina, so what do you expect). I don’t have long, blonde hair. My skin wasn't perfectly smooth. I’m not a size XXS. But I could never understand why. Not that those were things I wanted, but why did it seem like everyone could fit into this image and I just couldn't?
When I started to become insecure about my body, I worked towards improving it. I have been a pescatarian since I was ten years old, so I had a pretty healthy diet. I started going to the gym for endless hours in a day. I was even driven to the point of starving myself just so I could drop two pounds (later on I found out starvation does quite the opposite). I never understood why my progress was so static, but then my family got involved.
After seeking medical advice about six months ago, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Essentially, PCOS is the most common hormonal disorder in woman. It can promote infertility because of irregular periods and cysts that lie on the ovaries. If PCOS goes untreated, it can lead to heart disease and diabetes.
After learning this new information about this condition, I started hating myself. What did I do to cause this? Why did this happen to me? What if I can’t have kids? What did I do wrong? The answer: Nothing. The cause of PCOS is unknown and it is commonly referred to as the “silent killer” because you need to recognize the symptoms before they spiral out of control. While that is terrifying, it was also seemingly comforting. It made me realize that there was nothing I could do to better myself before investigating the issue. From the second I was born, I was destined to have this struggle. Thankfully I caught it before I got in too deep.
Since being on several medications, natural supplements, and a strict diet to get my body working right, I’ve been feeling so much better about myself. I’ve been dropping several pounds per month and, slowly but surely, fulfilling the image I always imagined of myself. I feel so much healthier and happier (aside from not being able to eat bread). My hormone levels are balancing out and I’m starting to feel like myself for the very first time. I always used to avoid mirrors and cute clothes because I was afraid to see myself as a giant whale in my reflection; but now I put on pretty outfits and my favorite accessory is the genuine smile that’s beaming from my face. Finally, I see the progress I’ve waited years for.
The struggle to become the best you is not one that happens overnight. If you’re anything like me, you’ve been combating these issues from a very young age. It's too easy to fall into a pit of insecurity and not be able to climb out when you see all these seemingly perfect people all over social media. But it really is true that you need to work on yourself from the inside out. You need to look deep inside to discover the things that make you unhappy and treat them, not necessarily change them, and then everything else will fall into place. While having PCOS was not the most ideal situation for me to learn to love myself, I am thankful. This is something I will have to live with forever and it will keep testing me to work towards being the best me and focusing on making sure I am 100% healthy on the inside before fixating on the exterior and consequently diminishing my self-esteem. After almost twenty years of being insecure with my body, I can truthfully say for the first time that I am on the path to undeniably loving myself.
