My first day at Kent State University was a breath of fresh air. It was 2013 and it was my first time living away from my parents’ home. KSU, from the moment I stepped on campus that autumn, felt like home. I was living in a newly renovated dormitory, working towards a degree for my dream career, and the random roommate assignment procedure worked out in my favor. Things couldn’t be better, right?
About two months into the semester, something changed. Not in my surroundings, but myself. It was as if a switch in my mind had been switched off. I was always exhausted, sleeping through my classes, whether they were morning, afternoon or evening. I lost the motivation to do anything but sit in my dorm all day. Some days I’d sit in my room and cry, with no clue why I was crying. I had never felt so alone in my life. I decided that I just needed to get out and make some new friends.
In Fall 2014 I went through Sorority Formal Recruitment and found my home at Phi Mu Rho Kappa. I loved my 200 new sisters and participating in socials and sisterhoods. Somehow, though, I still felt alone.
One evening, while grocery shopping with a friend, I was hit with a wave of lightheadedness. My throat tensed up and I felt like I couldn’t catch a breath. My heart was racing and I broke into a cold sweat. Was this a heart attack? My thoughts began to race. I pictured keeling over right there, right then. After an hour of sheer horror, the physical sensations passed, but the thoughts didn’t. I made an appointment with the university’s health center, convinced there was something terribly wrong with my physical health. After running through my vital signs a series of questions about my symptoms, the nurse asked, “Have you ever been treated for depression or anxiety?” I couldn’t believe she was suggesting this could be depression and anxiety. What did I have to be so depressed or anxious about? I had a good life, right?
The nurse helped me make an appointment with a psychologist for the following week. The psychologist visit was very laid back. My psychologist was a bubbly young woman who we’ll call “C”. The appointment wasn’t anything like you’d see on television. There was no older gentleman in a suit, scribbling words onto his clipboard, saying things like, “Tell me about your childhood” or “Hm…I see” in response to everything. Did I mention C hated Freud? C’s office wasn’t in a doctor’s office, but what looked more like a professor’s office. A desk, a couch, some chairs, a bookcase. When I spoke to C about how I was feeling, I didn’t feel like I was speaking to a doctor, but a friend.
That afternoon I was diagnosed with major depression and obsessive compulsive disorder. I began visiting C every week, we’d work to find the root of my feelings and discuss ways to handle them and I was introduced to a variety of services offered by the university for mental health. It wasn’t until my trip to the Psychological Services that I learned that my school offered counseling, psychiatry and SAS (Student Accessibility Services, for students that need accommodations made for them in class). And if it hadn’t been for my physical symptoms, I would have never asked for the help I needed.
If you are in distress or know someone who may be in distress, ask about the services your school offers and make an appointment with a psychologist. Think of it as you would a physical check up, because your mental health is just as important. And remember, mental illness can happen to anyone, regardless of how picturesque their life seems. Mental illness can feel like a ball and chain, but with help, you can lighten the load.
