Oh Tinder! We swipe right. Then left. Then right. Then left again, and finally after a few calluses have formed on our index finger we find a match who we feel will be different from all of the other matches. We then decide to take it to next level and actually meet our Tinder in person because this time-this-date-will-be-different. This time around we're going to meet someone of substance. Someone who won't send dick pics; brag about their careers; or Hamptons beach house rental... We can just sense that this time around our match won't be a total tool! Or maybe not.....
The first time I downloaded Tinder was when I went on vacation to Australia a few years ago. I thought I could find some cool guys to hang out with during my time in the land down under. To this day I continue to receive the occasional match from men in Australia and New Zealand. Too bad I live in the USA; although, there is one guy who wants me to get him a green card.
I did manage to line up handfuls of American Tinder dates and this one will likely be my last. Warning: Be careful what you wish for when you swipe right because your date may end up looking like THIS Tinder Winner.
His nicknmane is Tinder Ezra.
Ezra was thirty-six, Jewish, and the head of some mobile app company.
He was also a complete tool.
I met him at a local bar in my ‘hood at what he called the "Tinder table." He had a very dry sense of humor. Unfortunately, I did not find anything he said remotely humorous. He even made the poor waitress feel uncomfortable! He also kept checking his phone for work messages, which is one of my biggest pet peeves.
Maybe he was just a little nervous, because in the two hours we spent at the bar, he chugged down about six drinks. During that time I learned that he is willing to marry a non-Jewish girl and give her a Christmas tree, but he must raise his children Jewish. Oh, and that he’s been circumcised.
Good to know.
I also got the impression he felt I was used goods or something because I’m divorced. When I told him my ex was Turkish, his biggest concern was his idea that Turkish men are “all hairy.”
As the night progressed, things got stranger. He told me the muddled cherry in my drink looked like a vagina. Ummm…okay. Then he compared his penis to a cherry stem. I guess he had some weird sexual obsession with cherries. I’m not planning a second date to find out why.
What I've learned from Tinder Ezra:
- If you get a weird feeling in your belly that something just ain’t right on a first date, it probably isn’t.
- Some men are just weird. And not in a fun way.
Please share one your dating nightmares with me at marygenevanyc@gmail.com to be featured in a future dating article.
