When I was growing up all I wanted was to be in a sorority. The idea of a group of women that supported and uplifted each other was appealing to me because of the lack of experience in elementary, middle school, and high school. I craved the feeling of having a set of girlfriends like the girls that supported Elle in Legally Blonde. The sense of community that I saw in that movie was one of the reasons I chose to go through formal recruitment as an older transfer student.

My experience at recruitment was different, although I went in with a completely open mind to any and all sororities. I didn't necessarily do a lot of research on sororities at OU like I'm sure a lot of other girls rushing did. It was like going into a job interview, except instead of a job it was a group of girls who would eventually become your sisters.

Immediately it was obvious that I was one of the few transfer students going through recruitment, and I was also the oldest girl that was going through recruitment. This realization was honestly pretty hard because it was difficult to really connect with girls that are four years younger than me, and also it was difficult relating to the girls that were recruiting me.

The first day I made a huge mistake and wore the UGLIEST shorts (smh) and tennis shoes the entire day, and ended up getting cut from NINE of the 11 houses at OU. Most of the girls I talked to were admittedly really nice, and I enjoyed a lot of my conversations with them so I was kind of sad about not being asked back.

I didn't necessarily know that recruitment was based on mostly looks, and I do not look like the stereotypical blonde, skinny sorority girl. I kind of just went through the motions with the rest of recruitment and I ended up rushing a house based on my experience on preference night.

Bid day was a ton of fun, but the next day it was time to get back to work. The weeks came and went and being in the sorority was fun but I didn't feel connected to the girls I was surrounded by in new member meetings and other activities that were happening. The combination of work, school, and being in the sorority were hard. It resulted in missing multiple events with the sorority I rushed. It was tough having the time to do all the things that I wanted to do with the sorority because I wanted to be involved.

Big/little was also happening during this time, and it was hard to narrow down who I wanted to be my big. At one point I finally knew who it would be and I was excited because we got along so well during the temp dates. I felt that we would get along great. The issue was after big/little my big and I lost communication, I figured she was busy with school and work so I never really reached out to her like I should have, but also she never reached out to me either.

I just assumed she was busy because she was a pre-med major and I was honestly super busy with other things. Eventually, I was closer with my grand-big and my aunt in my big little family than I was with my big, which I didn't think too much of. The lack of communication continued from October to March and I was kind of bothered by it but again I just thought that she was busy and eventually we would catch up. That never happened.

The girl who was my twin in my big little family didn't like me, and she made it her mission to sculpt the big little family into what she thought it should be. Unfortunately for me, it meant that she wanted me out. While I wasn't really reaching out to my big and my big really wasn't reaching out to me my twin was reaching out to my big and got close with her. This eventually leads to her explaining how we never associate with each other and she claimed that her experience in this family was suffering because we didn't talk and she just didn't like me according to my grand big and my aunt in the family. I had no idea what was going on at the time because I was trying to get more involved on campus and I had other friends in the sorority.

Eventually my big texted me and said she thought we should have a family meeting, which was all fine because it was long overdue. When I told her yes, I thought that everyone was going to be there, but I was unfortunately wrong. The meeting was only for me, my big, and my twin. At the family meeting my big told me that she felt like I should leave the family because the family dynamic was off since my twin and I didn't get along. I didn't really understand why she wasn't trying to mediate that situation, and I was upset.

She gave me excuse after excuse for why she thought it would be better for me to be in a different family when I honestly didn't want to be in another family. My big clearly didn't care much about what I felt and even asked her why she did it and if she wanted to fix it and she said she wasn't sure if it was the best. It was just a hot mess, and I deserved to be treated better than that by people who were supposed to be my sisters. It eventually led to me feeling extremely hurt.

My intentions for joining a sorority were to find a sisterhood that I felt like I belonged in, not a place where people chose whether I was worthy to be their friend or not. This led to me spending the next two days emotionally stressed and drained. The entire situation felt like a terrible dream, and it also completely ruined my experience in the sorority.

After that happened a lot of the girls expressed how they couldn't believe that happened to me and they supported me which was amazing. Sadly, that part only lasted a few weeks because after that one of my friends in the sorority and I ended our friendship which led to other people ending their friendships with me.

My sorority experience was good at times, but how I was being treated by my big and my other "friends" in the sorority caused me to leave. I'm in no way saying that Panhellenic is terrible because I have a lot of friends and family that are in Panhellenic fraternities and sororities. They all love their sisterhood and brotherhood, which is amazing and I'm so glad they all have such great connections through their houses.

My experience was definitely a learning one, and I am thankful that I had such a learning experience even if it was a hard learning lesson.