It's amazing how crunched school makes me feel, an eternal ‘crunch time’ per say. There's a sort of endless cycle that goes on around and around each day, then smaller each hour, then even smaller from minute to minute. There is a level of exhaustion saturated in the routine.
In this frantic routine there is barely space to breathe. When one failure or mistake piles up onto another bad day the entire foundation of reality can seem to crumble. I often wonder if the way to a true reprieve is to shake off all the worry and be still as the world flows on around. This doesn't work for me though. I want to touch and interact with each second of each day and that is difficult.
Especially when high school is a bit like a gerbil running around on a wheel and this futile feeling might be just me and might be because I overpack my days with far too many responsibilities and requirements that I don't yet have the life skills to artfully handle.
But, then again, often when I have a short respite from the tizzy that has been my mind these last few weeks it comes to my attention that it is not me alone weathering this cacophony of conflicting meetings and soon to be due assignments. Everyone is standing against the onslaught. This should be comforting but instead the isolation of the system makes me feel less solidarity and more ‘seulement’. Even though everyone is trudging along when there are just too many things going on inside the brain, the rest of the world is dulled to a gentle buzzing. It truly is as if life becomes a storm.
Visibility is reduced. The things that matter in the long run become more difficult to perceive and ascertain.
Sound is affected also. With pattering raindrops and a to-do list a mile long dripping onto each shoulder soaking through clothing and self assurances.
Everything gets a little damp and gloomy. Prospects and possibilities seem to dim and doors to opportunities slide shut.
In actuality, what is one bad grade? What is many? There is so much focus on the negatives of the storm it can be easy to forget how to dance in the rain. The point of school is to learn, to grow, to understand. It's ridiculous how easy it is to slide along actively ignoring these directives in a goal driven system. Stay true to your roots.
All these troubles are rain. A little rain can help a plant grow. Tumultuous teenage years are tricky but every adult around today has lived through them. It's hard and it's cold and this adolescent time seems to me far more troublesome than necessary. But it's not a journey traveled alone since these stormy seas are not isolated.
And to the one person who spoke to me today who was worried about a bad grade on their test, at least now you know what you don't know and that this system is geared for you to win.
