Welp, I did it! I took the liberty of asking all of my lovely social media followers (aka, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram) some of their most crucially hilarious hookup/dating horror stories, that might make you want to give up dating forever:
1. The love affair
"I went on this date with a guy in his 40s. He was awesome! He took me to one of my favorite restaurants and we had a romantic date; everything seemed good... until we got to his place. Naturally, we started getting into it.
All was fun and games until his security system alerted him that the front door opened. His wife walked in and saw the security footage of us! I had NO idea he was married, so he told me to go into the next room. I slid into the hall closet, horrified because the LAST thing I wanted to do was break up a marriage!
I stayed in that closet for about an hour while this married couple argued. I finally made my break while they were in the other room, and thankfully I had a friend that ended up picking me up. Never heard from him again."
2. Girls who stick together
"I met this guy online, and we had talked for a while and had plans to meet up. We ended up meeting on the Fourth of July, and he pulled up to my house in his Honda Hatchback with some friends. Then the usual: we drove to his house, watched some scary movies, cuddled on the couch, and made out casually for a bit.
I thought, "this is a pretty great date!" WRONG.
After he drove me home later that night, I tried to make a post on Facebook about how amazing my date was, and as I tried to tag him in it, it wouldn't let me. He previously had said that he kept his profile private, so I didn't think much of it at first.
However, curiosity succumbed me, so I lurked on his profile, and THE DIRTY BASTARD HAD A GIRLFRIEND. I felt awful, and of course, I messaged his girlfriend and told her everything that happened. Surprisingly, she actually ended up dumping him. Let's just say I was a lot more careful who I became interested in after that!"
3. Good 'ole drunk sex
"I was hooking up with this dude, and bear in mind, we were both pretty drunk. He didn't tell me this until the next morning, but I guess mid-sex, he stopped to burp and he almost threw up on me. Glad he didn't though!"
4. The jailbird
"One time I met this guy on MeetMe, and we decided to meet up and go to a bar together. As we got settled, my date saw someone he went to jail with (I didn't even know he went to jail! ), and the guy literally told him, 'omg I can't believe you stabbed your brother with scissors!' His friend was trying to warn me about this creep! That was my cue to go flirt with some other guy, and he ended up leaving."
5. The girl next door
"I grew up with this girl in my neighborhood who always sorta had a crush on me. I never thought anything of it until one summer when I was 19 (you know guys at 19 — walking erections), she came over and hung out with me.
We talked about sex in the days leading up to this, and she admitted she was allergic to latex. After we made out a little, I brought her in my room and she reminded me she was allergic to latex.
I asked if she was on birth control, and she said she was, so I came inside of her. I should've pulled out, but I was a horny 19-year-old, so what did you expect? A couple days later, she messaged me and told me she lied that she was on birth control! We discussed options, but she didn't end up getting pregnant, which was good."
Moral of the story: If she claims she's allergic to latex, just settle for a blowjob.
6. Krispy Kream Bandit
"Basically, I met this guy on Tinder and invited him over to my house to watch some movies. Everything was going good and all until he started getting annoying. I kept to myself for the rest of the night, just watching the movie and ignoring him.
He said he was going to get some water from the kitchen, and I took advantage of the alone time. He was downstairs "getting water" for over 20 minutes, and when he came back upstairs (with no water), I made some sort of excuse for him to leave.
After he left, I went to the kitchen and noticed my whole box of Krispy Kream donuts were gone, as well as my leftovers in the fridge. I was so annoyed, so you can only imagine that I never talked to him again."
7. Ménage à trios
"I met a woman at a gym, and we became pretty good friends. After a while, she and her husband invited me to dinner at their place, so obviously, I went. We had dinner, everything was totally fun, and we were having a good time!
We moved the party to the living room, and my friend's husband straight up kissed me! I turned to face her, terrified of getting bitch slapped, and then she made a move on me too! She JUST THEN informed me that they were hoping I would participate in a threesome ... and the rest of that story goes with me to the grave."
8. Safety first!
"One time this guy I met on Tinder decided he wanted to drive from Seattle to hookup. I had been previously drinking, and I was pretty drunk, so I agreed. I didn't have any condoms, so my friend handed me these water-based lubricant ones. My roommate was about to head to sleep, so I knew we would have to use the couch in the living area.
My match came, and after two seconds of small talk, we started making out. One thing led to another, and we did the right thing and he put on the condom my friend gave me. We realized there is little to no lube on it, so after a couple of "tries," we eventually gave up on us having sex. I kept apologizing, and he just said it was fine, and left immediately after. So sooooo awkward!"
9. Fake news
"So back in 9th grade, I had a crush on this one girl; big boobs, big booty—you know, she was the whole package. One day, we decided to hook up, and as freaky as she was, she asked me to pull her hair. I did... and I pulled her whole damn weave off her head. It was so bad."
10. Got crack?
"When I was 18, I met a guy on OkCupid. In his pictures, he had long, black hair and (looked) cute! Keep in mind, he never smiled in his pictures.
"One day, he asked me to hang out with him and some buds for his birthday, and I said yes, as long as my best friend could come with me. The next day, they came and got us, and I realized two things: He looked NOTHING like his pictures, and he had no front teeth. I knew it was about to be an interesting night.
"As we stopped at Safeway to get beer, I asked one of his friends where the party was gonna be, where he then said they were basically homeless, so we'd hang out at a public park. At that moment, I knew we were fucked but hey, what's life without a bit of adventure? (no one said I was smart at 18 years old lol). After our Safeway trip, we went to some random person's house, where we got out and was invited into his garage.
"My friend and I were super uncomfortable at this point but didn't have the chance to be alone to plan an escape.
"Once in the garage, my date's friend whips out a tin box, and that's when I realized it: I accidentally got my best friend and me into a crack deal.
"My date and his friends all started to smoke up and get high, so I made the excuse that I left my phone in the car. I got my best friend to come check with me, and as we escaped, we booked it away from the house. We called her parents, and luckily they were happy to pick us up, safe and sound.
"So that's the time my OkCupid date turned into a drug deal... which was also my last OkCupid date!"