Each week Swoonie B will give her advice on anonymous topics submitted by readers. Want to Ask Swoonie B something related to dating and relationships? Fill out this form here — it's anonymous.
Ah, *sigh* it's a tale as old as time, unfortunately.
One partner suspects cheating, they snoop (sometimes they find something, other times they don't), the other partner finds out, and — UH OH — suddenly the snooper is the one in the wrong.
The good news is you're not alone and it's possible to regain the trust your boyfriend had in you before you went digging through his private messages. However, it's important to recognize that while he is the one actively looking for a reason to trust you again right now, you were doing the exact same thing just a few days ago.
This is an important thing to think about because trust is a two-way street. Always.
So while you, of course, want to figure out a way to regain his trust, it's first important to pinpoint exactly when and where you lost trust in him — because even though it might seem very blunt to put it that way, that is what caused you to go snooping in the first place, right?
To figure this out, ask yourself the following questions:
- What was the reason you lost trust? Was it something he did? Something he said? An insecurity you have in your relationship?
The answers might not be the easiest things to accept, but they're important to pinpoint. Because once you have an answer to this group of questions, you can sit down and talk about it with him with complete honesty and vulnerability. Even if you talked about it briefly already, now that you've both had some time to process the situation and your feelings, a fresh conversation will be much more meaningful and likely to yield the results you want.
At the end of the day, you invaded his privacy and he does have a right to be upset about that (especially since he was faithful the whole time), so it really is important to apologize. Not just an "I'm sorry, babe," but a true apology. Then explain your thought process (which you will have figured out from the answers above). Be completely open and transparent during this conversation, because even though you are the one apologizing, your feelings are valid too.
💡 Something like this, for instance, would likely be an effective way to start the conversation:
"[Name], I am so incredibly sorry for breaking your trust and snooping around. I would never want to do anything to hurt you and if I ever have any concerns in the future, I promise to be more vocal about it instead of trying to find answers for myself. I think for a minute I got caught up in my insecurities and I couldn't stop worrying about X, Y, and Z [insert your concerns here]. I wasn't thinking about how doing this might affect you and I'm sorry. What can I do to fix this?"
In my (un)professional opinion, this is the perfect way to put everything out on the table. You apologize, take full ownership of the mistake without putting the blame on him (major key), you express your feelings and reasoning for doing it so he knows how to help you feel better about talking to him in the future, and you show that you care enough to want to make it better.
While it won't be an immediate fix, it will surely help move you both in the right direction and your boyfriend will appreciate it more than you know. As for longterm fixes, work on being more open and honest about your feelings and concerns (no matter how big or small) as they arise instead of waiting for them to boil over.
Remember: every relationship has its ups and downs, but if you can communicate and work through it all together, you'll be stronger in the end. You got this!
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