High school. That's probably when it started- I never really decided when it did. I ignored it for so long that I really don't know how or when it began. My anxiety is the worst aspect of myself. It was single-handedly the reason that I missed so much of high school. (literally, my attendance was nonexistent.) I would wake up in the morning and think about having to walk into first period until I physically walked into first period. And I would not just walk into first period like I was some regular high school student- oh no. I would make sure I was one of the first 5 people there so that I wouldn't have to walk in in front of an entire class of students that would undoubtedly stare at me and judge what I was wearing or what my hair looked like, even how I did my makeup that day. I was so irrational that there were classes that I would do my best not to speak in. At all. In fear that what I would say would be stupid or irrelevant or that someone would whisper about me afterward.
Although I had a good variety of people that I was friendly with in high school, nothing would give me peace. I was always wondering what people thought of me, what people were saying about me, what people had heard about me. In the mornings before school I would do my makeup and if I wasn't done doing it by the time I had to leave, I would be late because God forbid anybody see me without concealer on. Although this seemed logical to me at the time, lateness was one of the aspects that triggered my anxiety the most so really I was just setting myself up for failure.
I would panic over presenting in class to an extreme level. I still do this, I have to admit. I've gotten much better at public speaking since high school, but at the time that was the worst possible thing that could possible happen in my opinion. I know everyone gets a little nervous to present, but my case was the most ridiculous. I would run to the nurse's office to pretend I was sick and thankfully, my immune system which is shot usually lends to a good alibi for this. On the rare occasion that I did have to present, I would shake and stutter and have a lot of trouble breathing and since my anxiety was just so ever present, I would get anxiety about showing signs that I was anxious.
Don't get me wrong, I was social. I played sports and did clubs and I went out and maybe even seemed like a half normal high schooler, like I said, showing my anxiety GAVE me anxiety, but I was far from it. In restaurants I couldn't order my own food without having a small panic attack, I was incapable of doing ANYTHING over the phone unless I personally knew the person on the other end of the line and even having salad anywhere on my plate at the same time as my dinner sent me into a panic. Some days I would be in class and someone would say one thing that maybe I was slightly sensitive to and it would send me into a frenzy and I would leave class to go to the bathroom so that I could have a panic attack in peace (isn't that ironic). Anxiety had taken over my life.
That's just the beginning, and I won't bore you with many more details about my own experience, but what I really want to point out is that I am a different person than the girl I used to be. My anxiety can take a hike (said in the nicest and most appropriate way ever, but you know what I actually mean). I still get nervous, I still panic, I still get anxious. However, I think those are more personality traits than a mental illness/disorder, which is exactly what anxiety is. They are slight and in no way as overbearing as they once were. I owe a lot of my progress to doctors but I have progressed nonetheless.
Anxiety is so real and so difficult to handle that I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. It is unexplainable and draining and can become a part of you if you let it. I will admit that without the help that I got, I would not be as functioning of a human as I am today. I would not be at college almost 900 miles away from home, I would NOT be able to order my own food, talk to insurance reps about my car, seek out professors to talk to them during their office hours or any other REGULAR task that a 19 year old may have to perform. I am really blessed to have been able to 180 so quickly. I am proud of who I am today, and although I am not proud of my anxiety-ridden past, I was able to grow immensely from those experiences and without them I would be half as strong and half as tolerant as I am now.
Although my friends still tease me for being "ridiculous" when my anxiety does sometimes peek through the wall I've built around it, I've learned to take it with a grain of salt. Not everyone understands, and those who don't are people whom I consider very lucky. Anxiety may be a part of me, but it is not who I am.
