“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.” *smiles*
The biggest lie to ever come out of my mouth yet it continues to come out almost everyday. Look into my eyes and you’ll see the tears I’m holding back. Watch me bite my lip as I hold back all the words I actually want to say. I know I’m strong but I don’t have a choice because I refuse to let this take over my life. I know I’m a fighter but even the strongest warriors fall eventually.
The pain, the fear, the thought that slowly eats away in your mind until it takes over your whole body. You feel a tear coming on and as that single tear falls down your face, all you can think to do is run from everything. They ask what’s wrong but you insist that everything is fine. The ones who care about you know you’re lying but don't really know what to do. The one’s who don’t know this side of you, they just don’t get it. When it comes down to it, no one understands you. Thoughts racing through your mind at a thousand miles per hour all perfectly hidden by that innocent smile.
You get away for a minute and it all comes rushing out. The anxiety you’ve been hiding will no longer be ignored. You lock yourself in the bathroom stall and the tears come pouring out. There is nothing you can do at this point; you can’t breathe, you can’t sit still, you can’t remember where you are, you can’t think straight, you can’t stop the tears… You can’t remember the person you use to be. You had your moment but you know that you’ve got to keep going. If you stay gone for too long then people will start to question. You wipe the tears and walk out with that smile like nothing even happened.
You carry on everyday being taken down by the same demons. Mentally lacking the strength to fight back and physically lacking the knowledge why you even have to go through this. Walking around everywhere with a smile. Sometimes it’s real but a lot of the times it’s not. Continue everyday as your normal self, just trying to not let the anxiety out as it builds up more and more each minute. As you sit there feeling hopeless in time as if your life is constantly on the line but you just sit there perfectly calm. As you fall apart more and more yet you continue to hide all the pain with that beautiful smile.
If I tell her what I’m really feeling, she’ll never look at me the same and I’ll just scare off the one person who actually cares about me.
You have to keep it together or you’ll just be known as weak.
I wish someone could just understand what I mean when I say I’m fine.
Just keep smiling and hold back the tears.