I had always been a worried child; the first time I was left home alone was a trial run, my mom went to the target that was located no less than 30 seconds from my house for one or two small things, she gave me the phone and told me to call if I needed anything, but that she would be home in 15 minutes. I spent the entirety of those 15 minutes pacing in front of the window, waiting for her car to turn the corner, palms sweaty, stomach in knots, heart racing. The instant it was a longer trip than the fifteen minutes she had promised, I began calling incessantly, convinced that she had been involved in a deadly car accident, or that someone was waiting outside to kidnap me as soon as they knew she was late.
I spent most of my childhood and adolescence in constant fear of the worst happening in every situation. Aside from worrying about everything, I also developed odd habits that I was convinced kept me “safe.” I thought this was normal, that everyone does these odd behaviors because the world is a dangerous place, with lots of intimidating social situations and times you could fail at something. It took me until I was seventeen to realize that I shouldn’t be up until 4am on school nights worrying about every possible scenario that could happen, replaying conversations that happened three years ago or reminding myself that the door was locked and the oven was off. It wasn’t normal for me, as a teenager to not be able to fall asleep until everyone was safe and in the house, because I felt like it was my responsibility to take care of them.
I had anxiety, whether I wanted to admit it or not, and it was affecting my quality of life, it kept me from fully enjoying anything because my mind was always somewhere else. Anxiety forces you to do some strange things that you wouldn’t normally do, lets talk about some of those things.
Anxiety will make you leave 30 minutes early for an event that is less than 5 minutes away, because you absolutely cannot be late.
Anxiety has you checking that the doors are locked fifteen times before you can finally go to bed.
Anxiety at the gym means you’ll leave before you’re ready because you’re convinced that everyone there is judging you, even when they’re definitely not.
Anxiety makes you start studying for an exam or do an assignment months in advance because the looming presence of it is too great to ignore.
Anxiety means that you will rehearse what you’re going to say in your head before you say it in everyday conversation because you’re terrified of stuttering or making any mistake that could come off as bizarre.
Anxiety forces you to walk a little faster to class because what if that person behind you is looking for an opportunity to kidnap you.
Anxiety is being paranoid every time you hear someone laugh because they might be making fun of you.
Anxiety won’t let you answer the phone most of the time because what if its bad news or someone who wants to survey you and you don’t have time to talk.
Anxiety makes you cancel plans with your friends because you don’t know if you’ll have enough to say, or be funny enough, or be entertaining enough for them, even if you’ve been friends for years.
Anxiety means that if you’re at a restaurant and they accidently serve meat in your vegetarian meal, you will push it to the side of the plate and smile as the waitress checks in on you because you don’t know how to handle confrontation.
Anxiety forces you to hide if someone knocks on the door because you really, really, really can’t answer it.
Anxiety toys with your sleep, some nights you won’t sleep for more than an hour because your mind races every time you hit the pillow.
Anxiety will have you making to do lists at 4am for the next day because you suddenly feel overwhelmed with life and lists make it seem more manageable.
Anxiety makes you tell someone you like something even if you don’t because you’re afraid of offending them.
Anxiety means that conversations will never be genuine because your mind is either 100 miles away worrying or you’re rehearsing your next line and not truly listening to the other person.
There are so many behaviors that anxiety causes, each habit unique to every person and ever changing. Anxiety isn’t normal and no one should have to live in fear of their own lives. Admitting I had anxiety was the first step in getting control of it and starting to live my life. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and affects more people than you would think. Don’t let your fears rule your life.
