I chew my gum rapidly. I can hear it pounding my eardrums. I drown myself in coffee daily. My fingers tap the desk nervously, while sweat beads slowly crawl down the side of my forehead. My breath quickens, as I try to control it. My hand subconsciously makes its way up to my mouth, where my fingernails no longer exist.
I shake because of the constant cloud of darkness looming over my head. The cloud stuffed full of regret, fears, and aspirations. Dreams I can taste but are just out of reach. Goals I want to achieve, but can't bring myself to do.
I make lists every day. I want to feel accomplished when I draw a thick, red line through the task at hand, however, I know the list will never end.
I feel as if I am driving down a road that has no end. The car can be suffocating and toxic, and every once in a while, I need to roll down the windows and breath the fresh air.
The first thing I do every morning is cover my face in plastic. I make sure to screw it in tightly to the side of my head, I know the mask won't come off until I am alone in total darkness. No one ever sees the real me. They see the plastic smile, the smile that makes the other plastic people happy. I've found the key to making other people happy is going along what they say. No trouble. No worries. Not real.
Life is the game of dress up I would play when I was 7 years old. I pretend everything is fine when really the world around me is crumbling through my eyes. I wish it was as simple as pretending to be someone else and serving tea to teddy bears.
It's all a game. Not real. Not important. At times, you feel like you won. I'm on top of the world, I am unstoppable. Other times, I just want to crawl into a black hole and disappear forever.
I feel as if two cement walls are closing in on me. The pressures of life and everything it involves. Eventually, I will suffocate. What is the point to the madness? Why do I put up with it? I wish the cloud of anxiety would evaporate into thin air, however every day it thickens. The only way to make it go away would be for me to go away. Anxiety is destroying me, one day at a time.