Heart pounding. Face flustered. Hands shaking. Anxiety.

Anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

It's not being able to fall asleep until 4 am because of useless things on your mind. Or waking up at least 3 times a night to your heart pounding uncontrollably. Why? That's a question I wish I always had the answers to, but for some reason, they never come to me.

If you are anything like me, anxiety is a word you have to use on a daily base at least 100 times. It's a term I've heard loosely for many years now, but now that it's happened to me, it's a different story.

Anxiety is not something to make fun of it to be used loosely as a term. It's a serious matter and it can take over your entire body, let alone your mind. It can eat at you until you can't take it anymore and you feel helpless to your own mind.

Anxiety is a constant reminder of your flaws and being in your head. The possibility of the things that will most likely never happen to you. Your mind is constantly going and saying all of these things and alls you want is for it to stop. To stop bothering you.

To stop allowing yourself to get into your head. But you can't. You can't because who would you be without all of these thoughts? These thoughts can make you crazy. Crazy to the point you have a panic attack and you cannot calm down, whether you're in your car driving, hanging out with your friends, in class, or out to eat, it'll hit you when you least expect it. And all you can do is try to calm yourself down.

I've never felt so out of control or helpless until I had this horrible disorder. I know I could have a lot of worse things, but this can eat at me and eat at me. It doesn't go away, no matter how bad you want it to. It's always there. It's always reminding you.

Anxiety has changed me as a person and not for the better. I have become someone I wished I never became. Anxiety has made me fear even walking out of my bedroom and speaking or seeing anyone.

The worst part about it is the people you love can't even make it better, sometimes it can even be made worse and you don't want it to. It becomes really crippling to where the word uncomfortable doesn't even describe what you're feeling anymore.

Being in college has made it all the more worse in my case. Before college, I was okay and I could deal with it, but now, I find myself lying awake at night until 3 or 4 am. There's no explanation for a lot of my worries and if there is, they are what a lot of people would think to be ridiculous or over exaggerating, when for me, it's just plain overwhelming.

But that's life. No one ever said it was going to be easy. You're going to have some rough patches, but that doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong for realizing that you need help.

For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

Anxiety has made every day life a struggle. The simplest things like going to the store or walking to class give me so much anxiety it's hard for me to feel comfortable around anyone or in places I've been a million times.

Since when did I become that girl that's scared to live her life? That doesn't even want to talk to her closest friends? That can't be around people without someone else without feeling beyond anxious? When did I become this girl? How did I become this girl?

These are questions I'm not sure I'll ever be able to answer again. It's scary never feeling like I'm gonna be the girl I want to be or the girl I used to be.

I've become the girl that has to take medicine in order to be semi calm to walk to class or get out of bed in the mornings. Since when did I become that girl? It pains me to know that there's a possibility that I may never be the same person I used to be that loved talking to people and being around everyone she could possibly be around.

I'm living with a major anxiety disorder and I have to deal with it day by day. Do people understand it? No. Do I wish they could? Of course. I can only share what my story has become.

I refuse to be taken down by my anxiety disorder. I refuse to let anything that has happened or will happen to me, past, present or future define me and how I'm going to live my life. But this is my life, it's not perfect and neither am I. But you know what?

I have an all powerful God who has me in the palm of his hands, and there's nothing more beautiful than that. So what do we have to worry about? The answer is nothing. With a little faith and trust in God, you can overcome anything. If I can, anyone can.

You are not alone. You are never alone.

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30