I was laying in bed last night and I was picturing my anxiety in my mind. How it manifests inside me. I was imagining it as electricity. With all the buzzing and crazy impulses that I feel. That anxiety is always in me, I sense it all throughout the day and night in everything I do. There are moments when it takes over and has a life of its own when I feel like a million different things are plugged into my power source and I am trying to keep up and keep track. These things are my obligations, my family, friends, job, school; they are also my internal fears and they consume me. I imagined someone touching me and I shocked them. In the same way that when I am overly stressed I snap at the people I love. This electricity buzzing inside me was affecting more than just me. Why is it that as a person with anxiety I have the ability to so easily draw someone in and so easily push them away? I am electricity.
Thinking about my impulses, feelings and reactions in this way was new to me. Somehow it just made sense. The feeling I get when I am anxious and stressed is a sensation of being all wired up. Every part of my body is aware, my mind is overly conscious of everything around me. Somehow, something tiny becomes something huge. I think when you have anxiety in so many ways you dislike yourself. I dislike myself for letting every little thing get to me. I dislike myself for letting my emotions overtake my intellect every time. I dislike myself for pushing people away. I dislike myself for overreacting. It is hard to think of anxiety, stress and worry as care, passion and love. I wish I could imagine it in this way. I wish I could use that as an excuse for my behavior.
I have decided to focus on my electricity. On keeping it to a manageable level. Being conscious of it and how it is affecting others. It is my new way of bringing some sense to my ongoing battle. I encourage all of you who are dictated by anxiety to do the same. Find a safe zone for yourself, find things that cool you down. Find your calm within the storm. By focusing my thoughts on my electricity I take my mind off what is bothering me. Even for a few seconds, I take a mental break and it helps. I have a way of understanding what is happening in my body and how that is translating in my relationships. This explanation in itself is a relief for me. We cannot cure our anxiety or make it go away. We cannot pretend to fully understand or give reason to the way we act. The best we can do is try to find self-healing and peace. Let your wires go dead for a few moments. Release yourself from that overwhelming feeling of constant buzzing and attachment. Try not to let all of the things plugged into your electricity source consume all of your energy.
