Don't feel sorry for me, I don't need that. I just need someone -- anyone -- to understand that it isn't all my fault and that I can't control it most of the time.
Writing this article is difficult for me in many ways. Most of the time it is so difficult to admit that you suffer from something that some people don't even consider real, something that people consider to be a joke. However, I feel that people need to read something like this; something that shows that being depressed isn't sitting at home all day, crying into your pillow. Being depressed could also be going to the mall with friends and feeling miserable even though you are smiling along with them.
I've dealt with anxiety pretty much for as long as I could remember. When you are young and you go through something like this, you don't really know why. You don't understand why you keep worrying about the "what if's." You don't understand that constant fear you get over everything. Believe me when I tell you that it is very confusing and it makes you miserable at times. As I grew up, I started putting the puzzle pieces together. I realized that it wasn't just me dealing with these problems and that I was not as alone as I thought I was.
Having anxiety, in my situation, means worrying about everything before it happens. Always thinking, "But wait, what if this happens and what if I can't control it?!" It means thinking that if something bad happens, it will be your fault for not controlling it. It means thinking that others will not be able to tolerate you because you are not "normal" (I put it in quotation marks because I believe that nobody is normal, and that there isn't a 'normal.' However I am just writing what my anxiety makes me believe). It means, feeling that you have no control over your brain and what you think. It means staying up all night because sometimes your brain JUST WON'T STOP!
Having depression can be a bit different from anxiety. When I was younger, I went through a time where I was depressed. This, for me, meant that I didn't want to go anywhere. I would wake up in the morning and cry about going to school. If I was at school, I would tell everyone that I felt sick so that I could go home. The worst part is people though it was just me being lazy. I would not worry about the way that I looked. I turned 15 and I didn't like to wear makeup, buy new clothes, or do my hair. All I wanted was to be in bed all day and lay there. It was truly awful. I can say that thanks to my family and God, I got better. I went on to high school and I was a better person.
However, now, I can see what people mean when they say there are different types of depression. As I started college, my anxiety got worse. I am not going to be shy about admitting it because it is true. I don't want to come to terms with the fact that sometimes I get depressed (because nobody ever wants to admit it), but sometimes it comes back. That is something that I can't deny. However, this is a different type of depression, or with different symptoms at least. I have no lack of motivation, which has remained the same. When before I would just stay in bed all day, now I want to go out. I want to post Snapchats, and take Instagram photos to make myself believe that I am happy all the time. I won't lie; it isn't something that happens all the time, and I am not upset all the time. In fact, sometimes I am truly happy. But I know that these feelings will not go away.
I am now at a point where I realize that mental issues will always be a part of my life. That is something that we really can't escape from. However, my advice to others would be to talk about it. Whether it be with a family member, a counselor, a friend, or even a diary! I know sometimes you might not want to, but it helps so much. You aren't alone in this, even though sometimes you might feel like nobody understands you. Even though sometimes you feel like what you think doesn't make sense, trust me, other people feel the same way. Don't be ashamed of who you are and what you go through. We are all beautiful human beings and nobody deserves to feel any less than that.
If you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to talk to me. Even if we aren't close friends, talking to someone that can understand you is a great feeling, and I will always be here.
Twitter: Yesiperezzz
