Being depressed is hard. It's exhausting. And it's certainly not fun.
Well, at least I don't think it's fun. Because when I'm depressed, I don't have an appetite. I become 99% apathetic. I get so tired that it gets to be too much work to stand in the shower. Too much work to lift my arms to wash my hair. Too much work to even formulate a sentence, and certainly far too much work to speak that sentence when I come up with one.
I get far more depressed in the summer than I do in the winter. I hate the summer with a passion. It's hot and sticky and there are bugs everywhere. It's boring. I don't like summer activities. I don't like going outside. It's just a waste of time for me. So I typically spend my summer in bed. Depressed and unwilling to do anything except take a piss every once in a while or roll over onto my other side.
Many people struggle to understand the concept of depression. Honestly, it's something that's nearly impossible to understand if you've never been depressed. But just to clear the air: depression is more than sad. Depression is an emotion that overtakes the entire soul. Sad is quite the understatement.
Everyone deals with depression differently, and everyone gets depressed for a different reason. Some people deal with seasonal depression; this usually happens in the winter when there's a lack of sunlight. Others get situationally depressed; maybe a loved one dies or a person close to them is severely sick or they lose a job. But the real kicker is chronic depression, because that shit sticks around. Chronic depression is being depressed for a minimum of two years, usually without much of a break...
That's what I've got. I've got major chronic depression, which means I'm extra depressed for an extra long time. It's scary some days. It's scary how little I care. Scary how little I eat. Scary how little energy I have. Scary how exhausted I am. Scary how foggy my life seems.
There are many approaches to treating depression. Some people see doctors. Others use essential oils or maybe exercise it all off. We're all people with individual minds, bodies, and chemical makeups. This means there is no "one size fits all" remedy.
Antidepressants are a blessing for many people, including me. Without them, I probably would not ever get out of bed. I'd probably wither away due to a lack of appetite. I wouldn't enjoy anything at all. I'd never want to see or be with anyone. I would never have the energy for anything. But because I take a little yellow pill twice a day, everything is a-okay. Hurray!
In reality, it's not that simple at all. Yeah, I can get out of bed and I can go out with people and I can actively engage in activities, but antidepressants also cause suicidal thoughts. So while I'm out driving to the bowling alley to hang out with my friends, my mind may wander and start thinking about what would happen if I never made it to the bowling alley. Fortunately, my suicidal thoughts have been passive. But they're definitely still there.
I'm not alone. There are some people who don't go a day without thinking about death. What would happen if they didn't wake up? It's scary. And because they get scared, they stop taking their medicines and then spiral back downwards.
Antidepressants aren't for everyone. But it's nice to have the option. As for me, I choose to take them. I feel like I need the extra help at this point in my life, and that's okay. Nowadays, with essential oils and holistic remedies, people are looking down upon prescriptions because they can be addictive and can cause suicidal thoughts. But truly, there isn't a right or wrong answer. If a few drops of vetiver or bergamot will help calm your anxiety, that's great. Go for it. If you need to take 1 milligram of lorazepam instead, that works, too.
Your care should be up to you. You're the only one who can really know what's working and what's not. Many people will try to tell you what to do or how to think or how to feel or what to take or what not to take or how to be happy again. But you have the right to say no. You have the right to take control of your body and the right to choose how you will be cared for.
