Over the past week, life hit me extremely fast. I had a test every day, 5 different homework assignments due, the worst upper respiratory infection, and a reality check that was bound to happen. During this week, I felt sad, lonely, and worthless. I started thinking about the past 2 years of my life and how I have changed so much as a person. While most of my changes have been positive, one change that I have experienced is with guys.
As I was thinking back to when what this change was and when it started, I realized that I began to allow myself to lower my standards to fit into this boy's criteria. I watched things I said, which is not like me at all. I allowed him to be mean and talk about me in a way that was not uplifting. I kept everything I felt inside because he did not like drama or confrontation. While I was just a girl in high school, I did not know how hard this would affect me in the years to come. I found myself constantly judging myself and what I wore and how I looked, wondering if he would like me better if I did something different. As time went on and we continued to be on and off, I grew more and more upset. I always wondered what it was about me that did not catch his eye. When we stopped talking for a little while, I was really happy. I hung out with my friends and was extremely involved in school. But I also saw during this time that I did not tell people how I felt anymore. I was closed off to my feelings because I was made to feel stupid about them.
Once I got to college, he was not on my mind at all. Although he does attend Mississippi State, I was busy meeting new people and experiencing college life for myself. I was still feeling insecure and unable to express my feelings, but I ignored the issues and strived to "live my best life". Once second semester rolled around, me and the boy began to talk again. While at first it was not an issue because we were friends for so long, he then began acting in a way that he did not before. He talked to me all the time, hung out with me, and seemed genuinely interested in me and my life. Things were going very well until this week. I was suddenly a nuisance and was constantly dismissed by him. My heart being so used to the way he was acting before went into breakdown mode. I felt like I was in high school again, which was a feeling I absolutely despised. After crying and wondering what I did wrong, I realized that I have done nothing wrong the entire time. I was there for him and cared for him and he was not there for me in return. I realized the biggest mistake I made was allowing him to change my heart and the way I feel. While this week had so many trials, it has helped me to realize that I deserve so much more than what I believe I do.
Although this is not a huge sob story with any breakthrough ending, it was a major step for me to even write my feelings about this down. I am taking things one day at a time, but I am living life for me and working to repair the heart strings I allowed to break. Going through things like this only give us life lessons and a path to follow when the next one comes along.
